Open your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart
And you'll find love, love, love

-Jason Mraz

For 2010

A li'l less confusion, a li'l more clarity, less selfishness, more selflessness, less laziness, more discipline, less you and me, more we, less childishness, more child likeness, less silence, more music, less of the indoors, more of the outdoors, a li'l less conversation, a li'l more action.

Dedication Time

This is for you, P. Stop smiling now :)

Hand In My Pocket...

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...

A song that has seen me through a lot lately.

Rith, Thank you for putting up with all of it.

I stand at nothing. From here on, anything's possible.

At The Movies

Clean. Refreshing. Simple. Non-glitzy and a welcome change from the regular Bollywood masala flicks. It does get a little preachy in parts but who cares?

Honesty is the best policy indeed.

And Ranbir Kapoor, I think I would watch a movie just because it has you in it. Adorable!

Happiness.
Smile.
Magic
Complacent.
Mint.
Sunshine.
Whiskers
Blue.
Sensuous.
Cotton.
Madness.
Ethos.
Colour.
Nostalgia.
Random.
Bubbles.
Daft.
Numbskull.
Boka.
Cute.
Music.
Ignite.
Sparkle.
Photography.
Cheese.
Fragile.
Plaid.
Post-it.
Gooey.
Mosaic.
Pottery.
Wretched.
Tantamount.
Scintillating
Amiable.
Whimsical.
Supernova.
Mirror.
Poise.
Rumble.
Junk.
Indolent.
Earthy.
Scooter.
Limerick.
Crepe.
Hugs.
Ubiquitous.
Strum.
Warped.
Laughter.

The effects of a video that I just watched.

Last week, I was out at a concert with a couple of friends at one of the "happening" places in town. The band was going to be playing songs by Dire Straits and boy oh boy, I was thrilled. Yes, for a minute it did cross my mind that I was in jeans and a simple T shirt with my potli but it didn't matter at all. I was only looking forward to the music. When we entered, all around me I could see women with poker straight hair, make up, strappy tops, next to nothing shorts and size zero figures. A close friend (who isn't from my city) joined us later. Her question to me, after looking at the others present, was "Why are all the women here so skinny and hot?" I looked at her, laughed and said "Well, that's tons of make up, hours in the parlour and avoiding fun food. But in the end, I won't remember a single face because they all look the same." And overhearing a couple of "hot" girls say - Oh! We should leave. They're playing some POP music here - pretty much sealed it for me. With my presentable appearance, I'm glad I knew the difference between rock 'n' roll and Pop music.

On the way back home, the friend and I were talking about men and the way they think. Let me add here that the girl is strikingly attractive. So a common problem that she faces is that whenever she meets a guy, most of the time it becomes only about how pretty she is. They don't make the effort to have a real conversation with her or make an attempt to get to know her as a person. She's a quirky, interesting, fun, well read, well travelled smart girl but none of that seems to matter to them. All they want to do is flirt around with her. Listening to her, I couldn't help being thankful for all that I have and don't have.

The world is always a little kinder to those who are good looking in the conventional sense. While growing up, I had a huge problem with this. Always wishing for my eyes to grow a little bigger, nose a little smaller, teeth a little straighter, dimple a little deeper. Looking back I wonder what all I would have wanted to change once I was "improved" upon. Of course, as the years went by, I realised that there was so much more to live for and experience than the way we looked. And the world? Stopped caring about it long ago :)

The video was powerful. Parts of it made me want to barf - How images get grounded in reality, how peer pressure can have damaging effects, how children are entering the "adult" world much before their time, how voyeurism exists all around, how the internet now controls everything... Whatever happened to acting silly, running around parks, eating mud, bringing a little puppy from the street home, picnics and cotton candy? Innocence? And at a more experienced level, have notions of love, care, fidelity, beauty disappeared or are they so distorted that we fail to understand what we really want?

Somewhere deep inside, I'll always be grateful to my folks for letting me climb trees, beat up boys, find solace in music, books and art and never once pointing out that I needed to "behave like a girl". Grateful for giving me a pressure free childhood that I fondly remember. It reflects in what I am today.

P.S. For anyone interested, you can watch the video here

That Loving Feeling

Because I respect deadlines again

Because Christmas is round the corner and handmade gifts are on their way

Because Mommy stuffs me with awesome food all the time

Because Elvis Presley makes me swoon

Because I'm getting a new study table

Because I'm going to hear some remarkable people speak and get paid for it

Because all of them are angels - In disguise or otherwise

Because I'm going to be travelling a little

Because I am a book happy person

Because the arty stuff still makes me jump with joy

Because Squish is in town, Drummer Boy's coming and I wish Teddy makes it too

Because the future does not scare me anymore

Because they're still furry enough to cuddle and sleep

Because the Calvin and Hobbes collection seems endless

Because I am not embroiled in any controversy

Because my life is one big party!

A friend's blog echoes my sentiments. Strange but with every passing day, I wish for more discipline in my life. I want to be an organized person who strictly follows a time table and doesn't leave her mind idle. I want to do away with social networking. I'd rather go out to meet those people on my oh-so-long Friends list and feel like I've done something with all the time in my hands. I don't want my meals to be irregular and I WANT my 8 hours of sleep at night. I want to spend Saturday evening reading a book, sipping hot chocolate, playing word games with the family or watching a movie. I'm starting a new hobby. I want to devote all my attention to the things that matter to me and the fewer people there are to distract me the better it is. Think I should have a to-do list for the rest of my life and keep striking things off. It seems like a habit that I dropped at some point while growing up... hmmm...

Reluctance

Out through the fields and the woods
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world, and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.

The leaves are all dead on the group,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.

And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last long aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch-hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feel question 'Whither?'

Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?

-Robert Frost

"You Make Me Smile"

And picking up from I left it on Saturday night, here come the Birthday girl's thank you-s.. to those present and absent.

Rith: God made only one of you and I'm glad you're all mine.

Chims: 9 years of friendship, fun, insanity, tears and what not. I'm keeping you for life.

DB: Goddess of "chilling out"! Our good times are just going to get better. And let's pray that Haze exists throughout :)

Pits: Ah, the sophisticated one. Your happiness is contagious. Love you to bits, Pits!

Nuts: We'll always "keep the difference", crib, whine, laugh and put ourselves through the madness together. What more could I ask for?

Ro: In your words, Thank you for growing up with me. Muah! :)

Sherry Girl: NO thank you for everything. Bless your soul! :)

KRD: My twin from another life. May there be no end to our stories!

P: No expiry date on this friendship. Janam janam ka saath hai :P

Lamster: You were the icing on the cake yesterday. Love you loads!

Niti: I'm extremely grateful that you're a part of my world! :)

Tara Girl: Time or place, nothing's ever going to change. You always make me smile.

Moley: It's amazing how we connect no matter how many months have passed by without talking or meeting each other. Muah!

Rohi: The horrid jokes in class, the terrace times, still being an important part of each others lives...Love you!

Agi: I look forward to our conversations :)

Rain: Just stay wonderful :)

Esha: Thank you for being the crazy, sweet, lovely kid that you are.

Dhols: What we share is nothing short of a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, frowns and smiles, love and hate. Instead of falling off, we last through it. Always. And maybe that's all that really matters :)

Teddy: Nobody can ever replace you. Ever.

Tuts: Sagis, foodies, dog-music-book lovers for life. Friends too :)

Drummer boy: Thank you for the music, the chaat and chats, advice and patience. The ice cream's waiting.

Coach: You're half the reason why my "drama" gets resolved. Love you! :)

C Boy: 10 years and going strong. *hug*

Shreyas: The happiness we generate is nothing short of Whee! Thank you for being there for me no matter what.

Hari GB: You're my superstar! :)

Maruti: You'll always be an important part of my life :)

First Crush: You're special, you know it and I know it's mutual :P Thank you for never judging me and putting up with all the trouble :P

Onjus: Thank you for being frank, understanding and keeping this friendship alive.

Dinku: You're one of my favourite people in the whole world :)

Viv: May everyone be lucky enough to have such a thrill to live! Thank you for being an amazing friend:)

And All: Our soul talk is still pending. We need to have it while walking or on the parked bike :P Thank you for just about everything! :)

Peter Pan: I'm so glad that we're friends. Let the beer, bak-bak and times flow :)

AD: Behind every "I don't care" there is a little care :)

Xubs: With or without rum tarts, we'll find a way to have a rollicking time.

Ruchika: Some things don't change. 17 years and we still have a blast together!

Ashwin: Thank you for our conversations that range from mad, quirky, deep to funny, witty, silly. Thank you for the music. My kolhapuri-wearing-nose-and-obsessed-with-hands twin :)

The TISS people: Jenny, Junior, Saint Fiona, Devika, Karthik, Giri, Jatin: I hope this lasts beyond the submissions and presentations :)

The family: Y'all are the best! :)

The Golden One

Birthdays come, birthdays go. I grow older, I pretend to grow wiser. But who really cares? Through the 'metamorphosis', it's always the little things that matter the most.

The year has been... ummm... unusual. I laughed. I cried. I laughed with tears in my eyes. I put myself through comic tragedy or tragic comedy. I resisted. I let it flow. I stayed insane. And I continued to measure my life in terms of Happiness. Every moment had something to learn from and I'm glad I did.

For the last few months, I've only been talking about a golden birthday which would redefine my life. I wanted to spend it by myself. By the sea. And then in a flash everything changed because everyone else had plans for my big day. Ha! The bus to Pondicherry sold one ticket less.

From blah to a little excited to depressed to bouncing back with gusto to indifferent to forgetful and finally back to blah. Robotic. Monotonous.

And then came last night. I drank. We sang. They danced. We emptied our wallets. We got the place closed. Some of the most important people of my life were present and the energy levels were unbelievably high. My affection for each one of them was reaffirmed.

I turn 23 years young tomorrow. When I grow old, I hope they'll grow old along with me.

Long bus rides don't always do the best things for me.

Acknowledging....

"One day you'll be Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile."

I heart you, Rith :)

Things change.

I was at my clueless best. And worried about all the non submissions.

Then Bombay happened.

I like the anonymity of the city. Makes you feel like an unknown particle floating around. Nobody has the time to give you a second glance and for a change, it feels wonderful. The campus keeps you away from the hustle-bustle. Lectures, ideology, sleepless nights, reading lists, exploring, auto rides... It's a different kind of fun. Sent me back home with a clear head.

No dream is unachievable. No quirk too quirky. No random thought out of place. No moment wasted.

I love being single and unavailable. I don't crave for attention or affection. I have four roads that will lead me to a great future. Music gives me a high. Acceptance becomes easier with age and experience. I like that I'm willing to try out new things and learn every single day. Happiness engulfs me. Bliss.

Things change :)

P-ism

"That puppy na, it has a munu-sweetu face"

"You've sprouted wings this semester"

"Boka"

"Chomu, telu"

"She looks like a nima rose, nima rose walli"

"S**u nikal aa rahein hain"

"Good fun ana"

"Gushing hormones"

"I feel like drinking Pepsi"

"Don't ee-ree-tate. Please!"

"Jai Jai Santoshi Maa-ka Jai"

"Don't look"

"Baa baa. Aiyii Ya"

Bombay...

Hostel life. Courses that make me think. Yellow Dal and weird rice at the DH. Evening snacks. Field Attachment Fever. P-ism... lots of it. Presentations. The Peace sign. Jenny to Johnny... Yes, I'm just cheap. Shocking photographs that leave us in splits till 2 AM. Language, Policy and Social Sciences. Music in the classroom. Symbols. Book shopping. Impulsive train journey to VT. Rekindling an old friendship. Building a new one with a so called forty year old. Knowing what relationships I want to keep for life. Movies. Normalcy. Clarity. Catharsis.

My hands shook while holding the sheet. The cap of the pen fell down and I sighed. Suddenly, it felt like my pendrive did not work. One deep breath. And my heart and head (in one of those few moments where they agree on something) said...

"I have put a lot of effort into this, travelled 60 kms for a month to collect information, sat through classes and still made time to study and work and the entire experience has opened up a new world for me. No way in hell am I going to let anybody rip my learning apart in the next 40 minutes!"

I can still hear the audience clapping.

All because I had one hand in my pocket and the other one was showing the peace sign.

And an image of a HUGE yellow smiley. :)

I'm tired of calling it peace because I think it doesn't do justice to what I feel inside. I'm happy. Not the yay-woohoo-jumping-pumping-the-whole-world-knows-it kind of happy. More the I-can't-wipe-the-moronic-smile-off-my-face kind of happy. In the conversations I have in my head, I say it atleast once a day. If I didn't know better, I would have believed that my mind right now is a huge yellow smiley (Power of symbols!). And the best part is that it comes from within. Hence, I will be able to create without.

Let me bask in my sunshine:)

On My Bookshelf...

Landed on my lap, thanks to P. It's funny, well written as it brings out the diversity in culture and makes a good read when you're stuck with theories, critical thought and a dreadful report. Whether you like it or not, the man sure is making India read.

Could relate to all the bits on Chennai and Delhi. The wedding rituals, the preconceived notions... We're one crazy country! :)

Next on the list is Nine Lives by William Dalrymple.

Bubbles of happiness everywhere, peace inside-outside, laughter at 2 in the morning, a phone that beeps because someone in this city is being hospitable, a table that's covered with academic literature, plans to be executed after D-Day, plans being made for life in general...All I need is love, alcohol and good cakes.

In the long run, we maybe dead.. but while we're still alive, we can make the journey worthwhile :)

Someday...

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

Peace :)

"Every time I hold you I begin to understand, that everything about you tells me you're my best friend."

Thank you for a day that reminded me of all that we've been through. Where moments of silence didn't seem odd, the chatty times had substance and we were just buddies to each other.

It was worth all the perfume I still smell of.

It was just like the good old... OLD... times.

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.” - Audrey Hepburn.

Hit the nail on the head. *sigh*

Waiting...

Converse. Red and Blue with white laces. Ankle length socks. Mostly white. The road. Grey with potholes. Destination : Unknown.

Two turning points. November 2009. May 2010.

Can hardly wait.

For now, city by the sea. Breathe.

One Of Those Days...

...when the world moves in shades of grey. Dark clouds engulf silver linings. The glass is half empty. And all you want to do is fall deeper into the abyss. Roll. Tumble. Slip. Drown in the deep black hole. Disappear forever.

Does the rest of the world really care? Does anyone miss you or think about you? You become a memory that fades with time. Other people replace you. You might come up in conversation (or gossip) but beyond that, who gives a damn?

While you were around, you were apparently smarter, nicer, prettier, taller, funnier... than most other people. You were the light of almost everybody's life. Then how is it that most other people seemed happier than you could ever imagine to be? They seemed satisfied with what they had while you walked around with this feeling that kept eating you up on the inside. First your stomach, then your heart and soon devoured all of you except the bones.

Ambition. Because nothing is good enough for you. Because you enter the world with a checklist and unless everything matches, you continue to hunt. Because you have an ego so large that you can barely see, feel, think about anything but yourself. YOU.. are the centre of the universe. The others are mere mortals, lesser individuals, bane of the earth. You will show them the way..... But this "dull", "good-for-nothing", "immature", "wasted" bunch seems pleased with the way things are and doesn't want to rise above it all. And you just consume yourself... bit by bit...

But!

There is hope.

Go marry the one you love, bring little replicas of you into the world, laugh, sing, dance, make a million bucks, drive your Mercedes into the garage of your mansion, win award after award, try your best to "succeed" in life. But it means nothing.

Because in the long run, we're all dead.

The Dangling Conversation

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
"Can analysis be worthwhile?"
"Is the theater really dead?"
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs
In the borders of our lives

Fits like a glove. Conversation, for me, is as important as compatibility and chemistry. I need to go as far as my sneakers would take me.... and then complete the journey barefoot.

We start with the movie that made zero impact. Inglourious Basterds. Very cheeky, Mr. Tarantino but I love your work! And Christoph Waltz, don't think I want to meet you anywhere... ever... Brilliant movie!

Now coming to my kind of flick. Masala, Hinglish dialogues, music I can hum along with, familiar faces and a story that's been told a million times. Except in Ayan Mukerji's directorial debut, it's turned into a refreshing, fun filled, youthful affair. Something I could connect with. No melodrama, no unnecessary scenes, no songs out of the blue. Just a simple story that touched the heart.

Why?

I find myself having the "conversation" everyday.

Yesterday, something made sense.

That little house with crazy colours doesn't seem like such a distant dream. The insane ideas and the random thoughts will find a place. The quirks too. My Rubberband notebook has pages to be filled. Two years is what I give myself.

And sometimes being held is just a sign of friendship. Nothing more. But nothing less too.

In this mind of mine, a small alarm clock says that it is time to wake up.

At The Movies

Watched it today. Though I laughed out (very) loud in the theatre, I can't seem to remember a thing. Just one of those flicks for the oh-I'm-so-bored-and-don't-know-what-to-do times.

Gerard Butler, I'm sorry but you fail to stir anything in me.

Waiting for Wake Up Sid...

This is on my mind.

27th September - Gave ma my time, spent the evening with friends.

28th September - Spent the day with the family. Unfortunately the NGO was closed so I couldn't meet the kids.. will make up for it tomorrow. Met Rith and V. Dinner with family friends and had a mad, mad, mad evening!

29th September - Took out time for the "clearing up" conversation. Gave the other party a fair chance... and that is a real big deal for me :)

30th September, 1st October, 2nd October, 3rd October - Nothing's planned. I like that impulse clouds my senses and I act on the spur of the moment. Something good will come out of it.

Why restrict it to a week? Why can't it be everyday? Like one random act where you think of someone other than yourself...

Whether we receive or not in the end, there's nothing like opening up and loving the world :)

Love you, Tannie... I know you're blinking brightly up there and watching what your badmaash is upto :)

I Like...

"Love is friendship set on fire." - unknown

One of those moments where I can't express myself. I don't want to but I still want to. Weird. Just a time where my head feels crystal clear. My fly paper like memory is working in my favour. Where I belong. Where my face has frozen. Where I look for no confessions, admissions, explanations, interpretations. Because I felt it, sensed it and I know. I just know.

:) - The million dollar kind!

From You To Me....

Tu Soche Yeh Zindagi Yeh Na Badlegi Kabhi
Main Sochoon Sab Badalta Hai, Tu Na Badlegi Kabhi
Main Socho Tu Hi Tu, Mera Koi Aur Nahin
Tu Soche Main Hoon Tera, Bas Tera Koi Aur Nahin
Koi Aur Ho Ya Na Ho, Tu Hai, Main Hoon... Bas...

I'm a cellphone-facebook-gtalk-internet addict and it makes me feel daft! I'm going to be away for a while. Rediscovering land lines, ink and paper, music with Leo, travelling and doing something more worthwhile with my life.

Change is always welcome...

I'm going....

going...

gone.

Tomorrows rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetimes argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are

Here we go :

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Oh yes I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

I love cold weather. Nip in the air, I almost start chattering and try to keep myself warm while my nose is about to freeze.

I love music that has a lot of guitar work and a piano involved. But I'm more of a lyric-y person than a melody person.

I love how my lotion smells. Chocolate-y and creamy.

I love the food I cook, the goodies I bake.

I love my pink blanket and how it keeps me company through the night.

I love my bay window and how beautiful the world looks from that space. Like nothing seems wrong with it.

I love the way I snap in and out of "reality".

I love the molecules of magic that my city is home to. I love being typically Bangalorean.

I love how movies and books trigger off emotions in me.

I love the legs :P... and the hands

I love beer. I love that my folks know that I love beer.

I love the school I went to.

I love things british-y

I love putting "y"s at the end of words to make up adjectives.

I love black and white photographs, yellow musty pages of dog eared books, postcards, beads, bookmarks and tic-tocks.

I love Andy for the peace he brings me.

I love DB's nose.

I love all that has once been a part of my life.

Finally watched it. I thought it was beautiful...that is to say the least. Highly recommended on a rainy day when you just want to curl up and melt.

Makes me wonder about how stories happen in life.

So I found this online. Dunno how some things can be as morbid as they are beautiful...

"One day you'll find someone who'll love you very, very much; who'll give you the stars, sun, moon... just about anything you ask for. More importantly, who'll love you for every cookie you bake."

On some days I love my mum a lot more than usual.

After a crazy day with a lot for me to deal with, I can't wait for the explosion to take place. How I wish I was born 40 years ago...in a place I've never been before. November's fast approaching. My golden birthday is going to be the turning point of my life. I give myself 425 days. All of this is temporary. All of it. Because in the end we die and it works out just fine. It's a horrible feeling to not belong anywhere or to anyone. One day I will find solace in that thought. It will change the day I put a full stop.

For Them

Thank you -

Onjus: For not having a mean bone in your body, for being uncomplicated and not holding onto the past.

Dinku: For putting up with all that drama, for remembering little things, for being there every time I need to talk and all the jokes we share.

And All: For all the phone calls, for the times you've made me laugh, for just being a good person at heart.

AD: For not judging me, for giving me the space to be 5 yrs and all of 22 and for all the crazy times we've shared.

It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all :)

My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am

- Unknown

Knutz, Muffin... My little munchkins... You guys really make my world go round...

I wish I could just make up my mind about all those things that I avoid on a normal day because I don't want to upset myself. I wish I was love handle-less... I now look square. I wish I could just take off. Reminds me of that very weird Cadbury's Eclairs advertisement.... Heads exploding all over the place... I imagine something like that very often while riding my bike... Where I would suddenly explode and disappear. Crazy! I wish I could be mean... I can be sarcastic, extremely rude, blunt, irritating but I find it difficult to be mean. I wish I was insanely attracted to someone. I wish it was mutual. I wish the attraction would then accommodate a whole lot of love. Pseudo relationships don't count. I have a lot going for me, I know it... but somewhere something's missing.

Enough. For once, my heart and head agree.

Of Conversations!

Lazy Saturday afternoon. Ma and I are watching Rock On!!!

Ma: I get it! You want your life to be like a movie na? Meeting friends, planning crazy things, making music, spreading the love?

Me (all excited because mommy knows me so well): Yeahhhhhh! Exactly! How did you know? It's one of those things I really want....

Ma: Haan.. very good... But that's not life. Life is this - cleaning and cutting methi leaves. Thik hai?

*POP* went my bubble.

That, for you, is my mother. Sarcastic and adorable! :)

It isn't a void. Just a strange kind of emptiness. I need this out of my system.

I hate the flab. I wish I was skinny because it's a lot easier to put on weight than to lose it. And the nicknames just point to all the fat. Hate it.

Soooo.... it glows everywhere else except the most social part! Unfair.

I have a few months to go and then I don't know what. Clueless.

I care about almost everything including ex boyfriends and certain people. I wish I knew why.

I'm just too lazy to do anything with the talent. I should get a custom made L board.

Okra and milk are two things that I love. Turns out that I'm allergic to both. WTF?

I don't want to go through depression eating again.

I'm 22 and have nothing exciting happening. I want a little drama.

I want to spend my golden birthday by myself. By the sea.

Envision. Explode. Fade out.

I wish this would play on the radio every time I walked outside... And the weather needs to be *whee*

Warms the cockles of my heart.

*SOS*

Kaisa ajab yeh safar hai, socho to har ik hi bekhabar hai
Usko jaana kidhar hai, jo waqt aaye, jaane kya dikhaaye
Oh Oh Oh ...

Jagmagaate hain, jhilmilaate hain apne raastein
Yeh khushi rahe, roshni rahe apne waaste
Oh Oh Oh ...

Dil Chahta Hai ...

Ladies, that was undoubtedly the best night of my life!

Dear Box,

The call took me by surprise. You never call at that time of the day. While staring at my phone I told myself "Let's see what happens next." You gave me that laugh that I love. It was contagious. You asked why I sounded so happy on a Monday morning. I said I'm always happy. "Will you be this happy when you meet me tomorrow?" I said Yes. Something told me that even if the bus journey drained me of all my energy and work tired me out, I would still be chirpy when I met you. After all, I do pick my moods, don't I? We spoke. We were bubbling with stories, gave each other hints of what was happening and I quite like how you mentioned - You're the first person I called! It helped me keep that smile on.

I stayed away not because I was angry or upset. I just needed my time off to evaluate things. It worries you that I might turn aloof. How cute is that? Never for you... I really am just a phone call away. No matter how irritated or miffed I am with you, your secret weapon drives it all away. I hate that laugh!

Tuesday. How hard you tried to get me hooked on to that game. I promise you, Solitaire is the best that I can do. And trust me, I never ever feel like a guest at your place. In a lot of ways, it feels like my own house.

The breezy terrace was the perfect setting. We laughed, came up with theories - She's going to be really sophisticated and he's going to study the movement of white mice. Eh! How boring! Let's try this - Lots of dogs, a few kids and frequent visits. You bake me brownies and I'll churn out cookies. Oops! Time to go downstairs. Out comes the guitar... and amplifier... and processor... and then a voice that tries hard to sing a Beatles number. It slowly moves to a Hindi song. I step out for a minute and I'm welcomed with "I'm yours"... maybe because I once mentioned to you how crazy I am about that track. Of course, and how can we forget the ritual? I viewed my Youtube video for the day.

Love hits us in a lot of forms. Sometimes we make it out to be something that it definitely isn't and sometimes we ignore it. Today what I sensed was just plain love. It was platonic and pure, it was simple, it did not make us uncomfortable, it was complete. I didn't feel the need to justify or explain things to myself, it didn't trouble me that we still have very little in common and I definitely didn't feel like leaving. I know you didn't want me to. Maybe we finally moved away from the weirdness, insanity and frustration and allowed ourselves to connect with each other. Maybe we've just grown up. Like I told you, I'm glad we didn't give up on each other.

I know for a fact that you treasure this as much as I do.

Love,
Your little girl

62 and Going Strong...

It's not about being born into an army family, saying the pledge as a child or singing "patriotic" songs in school. It's more about a feeling that encapsulates love, respect and integrity. It about revisiting history and trying to capture the essence of the events, the emotions that they went through and connecting it with what we have. It's about wanting to make a difference to a place called home. And it's about feeling that way every single day.

No amount of space on the internet will do justice to what I'm going through right now. Goosebumpy is a start, I think.

Just this happy feeling inside. My godmother came home, I met someone who is keen on working in the line of education and asked if I could help out, I stuck to my diet, ran like crazy and finally sweated (I'm abnormal, I don't sweat so this is a very big deal for me), all my work is being submitted on time, I finally found the pink chappals I wanted, I'm learning something new everyday... all of it rolled into one makes me smile from ear to ear. *eeeeee*

Woven!

Thank you, Ashwin for making my Friday evening delightful. Thank you for making me fall in love with the piano all over again. Julian Clef will be a star (if he isn't one already).

I will never grow tired of myself. My moods, my buzzing head, my cravings, my obsessions - will get bored of none. And that's a very comforting thought.

Being organised can be fun.

Tuts, you rule the list. Wine or whiskey, Shimoga or Bangalore, we Sagis know how to live the good life :)

Moon River stirs up in me feelings that may have been ignored. Only I know what that means.

I'm glad Ma sang Simon and Garfunkel to me when I was a kid. Actually, I am just glad she sang to me all the time.

Everyday I find myself saying this at least once : Dad and I are so alike!

It's a combination of Surf Excel and Dettol. What were we thinking then? Now it's clean :)

I got drunk. I sang to people. I sent happy messages. I spoke to Sid till my high wore off a little. I blamed it all on Rith. Some things never change.

Running's turning into an addiction. Thank you, Shreyas.

Knutz and I are partners in the weight loss programme.

I should've just gone to art school.

All you need is love.

V, stay safe in KL.

I'll grow up, may never feel the butterflies again and that's it. It scares me.

Someday, when I am awfully low and the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you...

The earth truly laughs in flowers.

Where did my weekend go?

Studying Psychology, cancelled lunch plans and finally being able to give a F*** about it, drinking coffee, Onion rings, Rith, Shreyas (Bless them!), less than 30 minutes on the bench, Bookworm, Rum tart, pierced ears, tiny bicycles, pretty pretty blouse from the sale, "Rum and Chocolate", "Breaking up is hard to do", Neil Sedaka, lovely drive back home, Tair-sadam (I'm a pseudo south Indian), staying up till 3 and going over the same stories again and again, "Happy Friendships Day" messages, dust cloth, cookies, DB's, reliving school days, just feeling free....

Some days things are just right!

101 Ways To Be Happy!

I dedicate it to someone who gets my happiness... Maybe because he knows how easy it is to be that way! (He sent me the list.. or Happy mail as he called it.)

1. Smile.
2. Connect with nature.
3. Surround yourself with positive people in person or online.
4. Do something you’ve always enjoyed.
5. Do something you’ve never done before but have always wanted to try.
6. Learn something new.
7. Smell something that makes you happy: a mandarin, your lover’s perfume, chocolate, you decide.
8. Reward yourself for your good habits.
9. Eat something that makes you happy, but not too much if it’s fattening.
10. Spend time with a good friend.
11. Touch something that makes you happy: a cat, velvet, the bark of a tree? Take time to notice.
12. Don’t worry now, worry later.
13. Say, or sing, something that makes you happy.
14. Challenge yourself, I dare you.
15. Look at something that makes you happy.
16. Stop procrastinating, do something.
17. Take a small step towards your goal.
18. Congratulate yourself.
19. Tell someone you love them.
20. Do a good deed.
21. Face your fears.
22. Read a book you love.
23. Get outside.
24. Spend time with inspiring people or read about someone who inspires you.
25. Clear out your junk, literally.
26. Let go of negative memories.
27. Dwell on positive things from your past.
28. Be creative.
29. Dare yourself to do something.
30. Give someone an unexpected gift.
31. Change your habits just this once, do something unexpected.
32. Watch the sunset.
33. Get up for sunrise.
34. Open a savings account.
35. Be active.
36. Plan for success.
37. Eat something healthy.
38. Trust your instincts.
39. Follow your passion.
40. Throw a party, or plan to soon.
41. Avoid drama queens and energy suckers, you know who they are.
42. Write stuff down, keep a diary.
43. Set a goal.
44. Clean your house, bit by bit.
45. Say no.
46. Spend a day alone.
47. Devote a day to family.
48. Pick up the phone and call someone you haven’t spoken to for a while.
49. Wear your favourite outfit.
50. Be present.
51. Go for a bike ride.
52. Do something you loved as a kid that you haven’t done for years.
53. Forgive someone, especially yourself.
54. Go slow.
55. Have a meal somewhere different: try a picnic.
56. Avoid advertisements.
57. Pick a bunch of flowers and put them in your house.
58. Ban all media for the day.
59. Let something slide.
60. Display a colorful fruit bowl and eat one or two pieces a day.
61. Be romantic.
62. Play a game: uno, monopoly, chess, poker.
63. Make a smoothie.
64. Have a siesta.
65. Do something you’ve been putting off.
66. Dream big.
67. Start small.
68. Seek out supportive and like-minded people.
69. Understand that all things come to an end.
70. Feed the ducks.
71. Persevere: pick up something you gave up on.
72. Start a new habit, a good one.
73. Look at yourself in the mirror, pick what you like best and flaunt it.
74. Seek sensuous activities and enjoy them.
75. Look for funny things and have a laugh.
76. Rest up.
77. Change your routine.
78. Take a photo, look back at old ones.
79. Stretch your body.
80. Meditate.
81. Write a mantra.
82. Focus.
83. Don’t buy something, see if you miss it. Put the cash in a savings account instead.
84. Notice what makes you happy and use it in sad times.
85. Ignore people who annoy you, stop being with them.
86. Play hide and seek with some kids.
87. Put a picture of something you want on your wall.
88. Tell someone your dreams.
89. Love yourself.
90. Be grateful.
91. Visualise.
92. Unblock.
93. Use your brain: try a crossword or suduko.
94. Make a good choice.
95. Acknowledge your feelings.
96. Go on a journey, long or short.
97. Talk to someone you wouldn’t normally connect with.
98. Be grateful for life.
99. Write a poem.
100. Teach someone something you know well.
101. Choose to be happy every day.

Movie Time!

Okay, I admit it. This time, I loved it... Actually.

Sitting in my cousin's house in Amsterdam, it was my first step towards "education". I hated it. It seemed like a pansy, wimpy, impractical story with a bunch of talented actors thrown in together. Then came Tuesday.

I sat through it all. Laughed at the funny bits, almost shed a tear for Laura Linney's character, drooled at the sight of Hugh Grant, sang along with Dido, Joni Mitchell, Norah JOnes etc. and my ears couldn't get enough of that hot accent. All this while pigging out on a half melted bar of Dairy Milk. (sans the rum.. Rith, stop laughing). Oh, how I held onto every minute of it.

If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around.

:)

Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.

- E. E. Cummings

So Said Coach...

"What? Drama free? NO WAY!!! Niru, if your life turns drama free, what will the rest of us do for entertainment?"

I don't know how to react to this one!

DB, Chims, Pits - Picture perfect, isn't it?

A-ha!

It just struck me - Being jinxed has never made me this happy!! Pits, Chims, DB... we need to celebrate :)

We, people of our age, have our own stories. There is a bucket list that we talk about every time. We love the movie too. A cycle to die for. Leh in July. Big, big dreams! Tuesdays with Morrie, exchanging movies, music and books.

Someday we will meet again. Our coffee (under the trees) will be hot... just like the momos in the hut. The city we love will bear with our spontaneity and who knows which lane, park, bookshop, restaurant, mall we'll end up visiting, which fountain we'll end up running through. Or maybe just sit on a compound wall and talk about all that is dear to us. That day the weather will be *wheee*

There are very few people who can get me to part with chocolate. That bar of Snickers gave me a friendship for life.

Unwritten

Chims, this is for you to start your day on a high note :)

Thank You...

... For the music
... For clearing up the mess I make wherever I go
... For the Sunday fights
... For the extra warm hugs
... For making sure I don't sleep with my lenses on
... For keeping me away from Vodka
... For travelling all that distance just to spend time with me
... For talking to me about things I would have never heard of otherwise
... For protecting me and letting me feel safe around you
... For the advice
... For every good morning message and sudden bouts of affection.
... For being Mommy part II
... For being annoyingly adorable
... For not letting go
... For being honest, mischievous, mad and painfully practical
... For handling every mood swing
... For not judging me
... For just about everything

Love never exists without hate. Bono sang that song for us. I'm convinced.

It's Not About The Credit Card!

It begins with a massive hunt for a cassette. The blue cover with a guitar on it. It's our fourth tape. The last three ended in the most pitiable manner. I scan through all that is placed on the shelves. No luck. We seem to have misplaced it *sigh* The car ride won't be the same. But that doesn't mean that it won't be fun. As far as we are concerned, we really are the Sultans of Swing.

We stop at the mall. Our noses sniff out the food and soon we find ourselves chomping away. In between our sips of cola we talk about our lives, people, movies, the awful red food colouring and what not.

The same conversation flows at the dinner table. Only this time we entertain the mater and pater with all the happenings.They get it all. We, as a unit, are so content to be by ourselves, our music, our healthy food and bickering that even if the whole world knocked on our door, we wouldn't realise it. The world would have to wait for aeons before the laughter and madness die out.

It brings me a familiar kind of joy; A sense of completion. The childhood rivalry did not kill us. It just made us stronger... and closer. But!! I still think I sing Bohemian Rhapsody better than you do.

Ah! What the heck... let's just sing it together! Galileo, Galileo, Galileo - Figaro...Magnifico..

It Made My Day

"Unless you love yourself, you can't love anybody else.
Unless you open up your heart, you can't touch someone's heart."

Thank you, Nesara.

PMS to the end - All that is in between

If you are a guy, stop right here. What follows will never make sense to you. Watch the highlights of last night's match instead.

If you are a girl, I need all the TLC I can get.

So I am annoyed. I have no idea why but I am. I'm cranky, crabby and the next person I meet will have his/her head bitten off. Okay, I'll spare you if you are a girl. I don't want to bond with anyone except the 6 people in my house. I created a quiz on a stupid social networking site and deliberately made it a little difficult. Now it upsets me that nobody is scoring well! Over the weekend, I snapped at people, whined at least 376 times and failed miserably at trying to squeeze one little tear out. I broke a wall too. Yes, the kind buildings are made of. This one was tiny. The result wasn't. *Sigh*

I have this uncomfortable feeling inside; like "the calm before a storm" thing. I don't know what it's pointing at. Something's going to end. I feel like throwing up at the thought of food but I still want my mom's apple pie. There are a million voices in my head that talk about random things. Death. Love. Strawberries and Cream. Pink Sweater. Cheese sticks. Cameras. Glowing skin. Rainbows. AAAAARGH!! Stop it!!! I don't want to run away. I don't want to fly. I don't want to sit by the sea... for the simple fact that there isn't one that is close by. People are talking very loudly and coming in my way when I walk. Play the music. Volume 15. My left hand is bigger than my right hand. I sense a mood swing...

Only this makes me laugh like a maniac

Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.

Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?

Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

Ha!

Thank you, Rith! :)

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b**** has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bulls***!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

Over The Weekend

I figured:

The paunch is proportionate. It's not a pot! And it's the only part of me that needs to be toned up:)

I have lost that glorious appetite. I don't think I live to eat anymore.

Men and women definitely have their brains wired differently. What's interesting for them is "EEEW... YUK!!" emulating for us. But I still wonder what happened to poor Isabelle.

It's a lot nicer to meet people than to say hello over the internet.

Reading brings me peace.

I can't sleep beyond 7:30 AM

I'm cured! :)

When it comes to some things, Pits is the ultimate Guru

Mingies laav. Yuman beingz smaile

May be there is a connection.

When no one talks to you at home, talking to yourself isn't a bad option.

They were all just Jack asses. Nothing more, nothing less.

Muffin is some other creature trapped in the body of a Lab.

I still dislike Gelato but eat it anyway hoping it'll taste better with time.

I like the whole nerd thing.

The book is always better than the movie!

No one makes music like Simon and Garfunkel.

An All Girls weekend works like magic :)

*Sigh*

Of Conversations!

Lovely Saturday morning. First thing on the agenda was to take Pits to the music store. She had broken a guitar string. So off we went.

At the store

Guy in the shop: Hi Ma'am. Looking for something?

Me: Yeah, Hi. We needed guitar strings.

Guy in the shop: Sure, I have a few imported ones and a couple of the locally made strings. What would you prefer?

Me: Ummm.. show me both.

Pits (to me): I need to pick up a single string too. Got to replace the one I snapped.

After figuring out the string she needed...

Me (to guy in the shop): Hey, I need a G string too!

Guy in the shop: Urrmmmm... Ma'am?

Me: G stri.... uh.. Third string from the bottom please!

Pits went hyuk hyuk hyuk and just wouldn't stop... She had a tale to tell :)

How I wish I could chop you into little pieces.. tiny, tiny pieces.. fry you and feed you to the dogs.

But

You aren't worth the effort. Never have been.

Besides, my dogs are vegetarian.

Looking for something light to read, it fell into my hands at the right time.

- Convinced that it was a mistake.
- I'm not confused. You'd rather have your arm chopped off than admit it :)

Finiculi Finicula

Some think the world is made for fun and frolic,
And so do I!
Some think it well to be all melancholic,
To pine and sigh;
But I, I love to spend my time in singing
Some joyous song;
To set the air with music bravely ringing
Is far from wrong!
Listen! Listen! echoes sound afar!
Listen! Listen! echoes sound afar!
Funiculi funicula, funiculi funicula,
Echoes sound afar! funiculi, funicula.

Some think it wrong to set the feet a-dancing,
But not so I;
Some think that eyes should keep from coyly glancing
Upon the sly!
But oh! to me the mazy dance is charming,
Divinely sweet,
And surely there is nought that is alarming
In nimble feet?
Listen! Listen! music sounds afar!
Listen! Listen! music sounds afar!
Funiculi funicula, funiculi funicula,
Music sounds afar! funiculi, funicula.

Ah me! 'tis strange that some should take to sighing,
And like it well;
For me, I have not thought it worth the trying,
So cannot tell!
With laugh and dance and song the day soon passes,
Full soon is gone,
For mirth was made for joyous lads and lasses
To call their own!
Listen! Listen! hark! the soft guitar!
Listen! Listen! hark! the soft guitar!
Funiculi funicula, funiculi funicula,
Hark! the soft guitar! funiculi funicula

Of happy memories and a wonderful childhood!

Sometimes...
I wish..
you and
I
just knew
why...

To have, to need,
To want so bad...
To hurt, to laugh, to hold
Feel alright
or just
right.

To roll, to fight
To speak, to sin
Maybe just give in...

So I find this

Genius you are! And no Dad, I'm not saying it because I want to go shopping :P

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

See Rith, you weren't giving me bad advice. Oscar Wilde said it centuries ago :)

It feels weird. What? That I'm missing LH 1, First Floor, Room no. I don't know what. I woke up this morning and said "Good Morning". For the last three weeks it's been "What's up?". I miss not eating out of a dabba, waiting for Tuesday so that I can fill my tummy with Kadi Chawal, singing in the hostel room, asking Jenny "not to think of...", listening to Junior's stories, pulling shorts down. I woke up at 10 this morning and I wasn't rushing to go anywhere. There isn't a movie being screened at 5 pm today. No Desi bar to visit, no Maggi at the tapri, no cake at Ambrosia, no late night chats with the Bong, no trips to her PG, no play to attend, no Sheryl to wait for, no cat to irritate.... *sigh* I definitely have the Bombay blues!

I loved the contact period this time. In terms of learning, the last three and a half weeks have left a solid impact on me. More than anything else, I can see how much I've grown up. I once read a story by Anton Chekhov. It was called The Bet. I remember the discussion that followed. While all my friends thought that being sentenced to death was far better than life imprisonment, I believed the latter was what I would pick. At least I would still be alive and could construct a new life at the end of my term; quite like the lawyer's. My stay on campus just proved that I knew what I was talking about back then.

When I left home for the contact period, I could hardly wait to get to Bombay. I was irritated with everything in my life. I was angry... with myself.. with the nonsense around me... every single thing. I met P in front of the gate and after all the excited jumps and hugs, we walked in. My drama wasn't allowed to enter. I didn't let it. Classes round the clock, presentations, assignments, meetings, documentaries, bonding... my mind was so occupied! I was learning new things, I was discovering how little I actually knew, I was getting to know different kinds of people.... The experience left me spellbound! The last six months I was caught up in such s*** that I had forgotten what it was like to be happy. I was stagnating and while I was dying to break free, I was too scared to let go.

Well, It wasn't an explosion. Over 24 days, it just happened! My life's been re-prioritized. I can't explain it all but I'm just kicked up about everything right now. I'm getting back to doing the things that I love! I like how I stay unaffected by the attention that comes my way, how it took one sentence like "I just don't care" for me to realise that neither do I and leave the place as a joyful person, how the course is changing the way I perceive the world, empowering me and is setting me for the big game... With all of that taken care of, I know nothing's impossible. The trivial things that had gained a lot of importance just don't matter anymore. I've rediscovered my passion to learn :)

To end this on a happy note, I have to thank my rather chivalrous nose twin for putting up with me on my last evening in that city. Your music, the overloaded salad plate, me tuning out during dessert and us laughing about that mad common friend of ours... It was Fun!

*hops, skips, jumps without a care in the world*

Life For Rent

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine


Her voice reminds me of cotton fields. The song feels like it was written for me!

For The First Time...

Here we go.. Niru's in the mood for a meme... Lucky number six (because it closely resembles what we think of most of the time.)

Bands

Simon and Garfunkel
The Beatles
Dire Straits
Pink Floyd
Queen
ABBA

In Order

Love
Peace
Family & Friends
Honesty
Music
Luck

Places

Warm bed in my room
The family room
DB's (The Adda)
Bangalore
Pondicherry
Bombay

Books

The Class - Erich Segal
To Kill A Mocking Bird - Harper Lee
A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Around The World in Eighty Days - Jules Verne
The Godfather - Mario Puzo

- It's very difficult to stick to just six!

Things I won't leave the house without

Wallet
Water
Perfume
Lip Balm
Leo
Blink-n-Clear

Animals

Muffin
Knutz
Lyka
Dogs - all shapes and sizes. Arf!
Tigers
Pandas

For Christmas, I want

Elvis Presley
Richard Gere
Pierce Brosnan
Cary Grant
The DVD of When Harry Met Sally
A Piano

On My To Do List

Lose weight
Fix my violin
Set the academic record straight
Prioritize!
Organise a baking day (Sigh... At this rate, the flab will never go!
Books!!!!

Places to eat

Mommy's kitchen
Mainland China
Little Italy
Millers
Fresco's
Baskin Robbins

On My Own

Playing a musical instrument
Singing
Poetry
Pottery
Walking
Travelling

Things I admire from a distance

Drama
Dance
Ventriloquism
All those deep sea diving expeditions one watches on TV
Tigers
Romance

1 - 6 On The List

"The Way You Look Tonight"
"Something"
"Wonderful Tonight
"Can't Help Falling In Love With You"
"Fly Me To The Moon"
"Pretty Woman"

Words

Random
Rubbish!
Happiness
F***
What's up?
uhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Obsession

Stationery especially paper
Strawberries
Words that sound odd (For eg: Schmuk, Gargoyle)
Love
Removing blackheads
Sneakers, laces, socks

Someday

I'll own a mad, mad art village
I'll sip hot chocolate in front of a fire and smile to myself
I'll see the seven wonders of the world in one trip
There will be a happiness campaign
I'll no longer have two left feet
I will die in peace.

I tag all those who follow my blog... Post a meme!

Because...

I believe one little something sets it all off. Because it is through love that you live on long after you're gone :)

The Family - For letting me live the way I want to. For cushioning every fall. For just always being there.

Chims - For being the ultimate superwoman. The brains, the advice, the times when you just listen without saying a word : You're AMAZING!

DB - 10 years of knowing each other, a friendship that's gonna last till eternity. I love how we just always get each other!

Pits - For being one of a kind. For handling everything with dignity. For mommifying all of us. For being the mad, bubbly, adorable brat that you are. For being the "Model" :P

Chubby - Don't even know where to begin. Pesto! :P Your ability to stay in control of things and still be such fun... it'll never cease to amaze me.

Piggy - Just stay the beautiful person that you are!

P - Because we are each others "shadow", can talk about gas and ISA in the same breath and never have a dull moment irrespective of where we are - safe in the four walls of our room or the desi bar :P

Sherry Girl - You're my angel in disguise! There cannot be any other logical explanation. I know you'll kill me for this but Sheryl, thank you for EVERYTHING!

KRD - we should count the number of "exactly"s and "I knowwwww"s in our long conversations. Ha! I don't think we ever have a short one :P Telling you, in some life, we were the same person.

Niti - In a lot of ways, you inspire me. I'm glad to have met someone as wonderful as you! :)

Agi - For the friendship by chance, for the endless yak yak...

Rohi - Because you provide refuge from many miles away and we just always connect!

Moley - I've thought for hours what I would do without you and your mad ideas. I conclude that life won't be as much of a laugh! :)

Nuts - For making this friendship work! It means a lot to me :)

Lamy - Bless you! For me, there can't be anyone more innocent and child like. You make me feel like there definitely is more good than bad in the world.

Tara - Don't think you have a bad bone in your body. And you have to be the cutest thing alive! Muah!

Paro - Drama Queen! If you're still alive and kicking, I'd like to say you're supertantastic.

Dhols - For handling me. For letting me fight with you. For never judging me. For being a part of all my silly games. For making me realise that friendship always rules over love :)

Coach - The only person who can make me laugh at all the drama. For knocking sense into my head and making it all seem okay.

Tuts - You can get away with anything! Not because you're sweet and nice. I'm large hearted :P You make me very happy! :)

Teddy - Please come back! P-L-E-A-S-E!!! Loosu's losing the loosuness!

Karan - My first official secret keeper... Thank you for being frank and practical all the time!

Drummer Boy - You're wonderful!!

Hari G Baba - We've had some great times together. We've had some funny chit chats over the phone. Our default mode of existence is spaced out! *hug*

Shreyas - You brighten up everything for me! One of those people with whom I can share my dreams, plans and ideas of life and never feel silly about anything. Wherever you go, optimism follows!

Maruti - Because with the passing of time, nothing actually seems to have changed. My fridge still stocks as much chocolate, your teeth are still out of shape and we both still laugh the same way. :)

Dinku - Like you said, I'm glad we can walk around and talk like never before... be comfortable around each other :) And the landline calls? Woah! A big part of my life :P

Viv - You're crazy, impulsive, always ideating and I can't stop smiling to myself about how dynamic you can be!

And All - Thank you! I think that says a lot :)

V - 'coz you make me laugh, seem to be one of the few people who can out talk me and are chilled out. Like I told you once, it's very easy to be friends with you!

Xubs - You little alien... No one get history, geography, rum tarts and aaj tak like you do :)

JJ, Nishuuuu, Ramuuuuu, Reddy Teddy - For all those fun times, for all the opinions and views... for being so MAD!!

First crush and Onjus - For being a very significant part of my school life. For reminding me that life after school exist too. For choosing to stay on! :)

J & M - For adding fun, perspective, madness and spice to hostel life... uh... life :)

Jatin Dear From Bathinda - You really deserve the best in life. In my list of nicest people I know, you feature somewhere in the beginning!

To my two favourite teachers - For believing in me, for empowering me, for letting me fly.... Someday, I will make you very, very proud!!

Pass on your smile. Soon you'll see the whole world laughing out loud! :)

P is for....

Plan for life, P-understanding of the world, Positivity, Possibility, Passing, Plato and such like, Perchance to dream, Prometo, Piggy, Pesto, Pals from school, Pals from everywhere, Pragmatism, Peace...


Perfect. Period

It strikes me often how my blog is filled with posts that talk about making peace, being hurt, living the experience, playing with emotions. This may turn into one of those again or maybe not. But I pick today to belong; to enjoy the moment.

I hate what became of me the last six months. Dysfunctional relationships, academics that went nowhere, a job that kept me sane but I wasn't giving it my all, literally whining about a holiday and extreme fear of what I'll evolve into. Then I discovered a new mantra. It was called "I just don't care." Fight with someone? Don't care. Hurt somebody? Been hurt? Don't care. Lost a friend? Don't care. Got a terrible grade? Stomach upset? Feeling lonely? Existing like furniture? Love handles? Politics? Best friend doesn't seem like the best anymore? Don't care, Don't care, DON'T CARE! Then I got exhausted of not caring. I was too tired to feel hurt, angry, upset, played around with, foolish, unhappy. I hated the feeling of being left by myself and believing that I was turning difficult. In someone's words, Like the whole world was conspiring to hurt me. :P Waitaminut.. The Alchemist didn't talk about that. The universe was supposed to conspiring in other ways...Then it all fell in place.

There are some days when I feel that the world around me has signs and clues laid out. Things are always meant to happen. Even when I take a step to make it work, THAT was meant to happen. Only, I turn a little slow when I can't figure out my clues. And that throws me in the middle of, what I shall call, Drama. Romanticizing every little event, occurrence, happening. I loved it all. I found it amusing when I could over react, misinterpret and what not and then laugh about all of it at the end of the day. I knew others who did it too so that in some weird way made me normal. Ha!

I'll tell you what's normal. Sleeping at 11 and waking up at 7. Believing in the general goodness of every human being and loving them the way they are. Not piling up your plate like you haven't seen food for the last 6 months. Taking time off and visiting old friends. Sticking to deadlines and planning the bigger things in life. Loving myself. Loving others. You know what I mean.

It doesn't sound all that bad. I quite like normal. My 6 months of hell are over. And I knew exactly where I had to start to set things right. It mattered to me. Finally something did.

I met someone today who has meant a lot to me. I made my peace with him in every single way. I've grown with you and without you. I wish the best for you :) I finally have a plan for the next two years of my life. Very hands on, something that I love! I finally get what being 22 is about. I'm done with being told that I'll always be a pumpkin and nothing else. It doesn't hurt anymore. I don't find it hard to let go. I may see her for only 12 weeks in my entire life but I'm thankful that we were thrown in together. The sibling and I needed that holiday and we can laugh about everything. They are just always there. I don't beat myself down anymore. I am not afraid. Peace prevails and is here to stay. And that's all that I was looking for.

"Every night when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn." - Mahatma Gandhi

They don't get me. I am apparently quirky, "philosophical", mercurial and a million other things. Pin your hope on something only to be told quite rudely that it isn't really worth it. Pick between love and friendship. Pick neither. Hug, kiss, hold but you don't belong. Choose. Assimilate signs... accommodate the unknown. Keeping quiet makes you more mature. Go to a party only to realise you shouldn't have left your cozy little bed. Too scared to break loose? Do it right now. Hot, white rage. Replay it till it makes you want to destroy. Just don't melt. Make your anger all encompassing and burn what comes in front of you. Just a bunch of jackasses or they just don't know? A confused mind is almost as good/bad as no mind. Believe now, don't believe the next minute. Forgiving's easy. Forgetting doesn't happen... so why forgive at all? Maybe a good memory is a bane after all. One tight slap is what is needed. May be a couple. But then again... hmmmm.... I don't give a damn!

But what I do care about is a friend who comes down every week from Chennai with oodles of happiness, a future I can actually envision and doesn't seem so distant anymore, a mad room mate who loves the guitar almost as much as fish fry, my support system that makes me want to do my best, lunch with a friend who opens up a world of positivity for me, family that is just always there, love that is pure.

It's all come to an end and life couldn't get better! :)

To The Gullu's People

Teddy, Drummer Boy, And All, China Town, Sameer, Harish, Ajay....

This still cracks me up and brings back some fun memories! :)

*The uncontrollable flip floppiness*

All thanks to this.

The man is hot, his voice makes me wanna drown and never rise again.. and he gives me the warm fuzzies! Period.

They come from the same factory with defects and they buy their sense of humour from the same place. The brains come from a seconds outlet.

There are days when I feel extra kicked about being born a girl.

To all the lovely ladies, I'm not going through anything. Just posting some truth. Muah! :)

Of Conversations!

It took place on my way back home from the bus stop. My mother was very happy to see me after my holiday. We dumped the luggage in the backseat and she was driving.

Ma: So how was it? Tell me all about Goa.

Me: Oh it was fun! Ate, drank, sang.. the beach.. you know we wanted to try hash brownies but it didn't happen. Chha

Ma: Really? I don't know what's so great about them!

Me (completely zapped): Eh!! How do you know? What have you been upto?

Ma: Yeah, I thought it was rather blah.

After checking at least 8 times if I was in the car with my convent educated mother who crinkles her nose at words like sex, booze, crap, f***, ass****, I mustered the courage.

Me (still zapped): Ma, you've tried? When?

Ma: In the US. Had quite a bit there. I don't get the hype. It's potato after all!

Me: &#$^&*!@$#$^&*^%$#@@!!

After some clarification in my head

Me: Ma!!!!! you're talking about hash browns. I'm talking about hashish in brownies!

Ma: Oh I thought you were talking about hash browns.

After a moment's silence it came:

Ma: You wanted to try drugs? Are you daft? What is wrong with you? I think you've really lost your mind!!!

Me: :D :D :D

Please Note:

How, how, how?? Just how does it happen every time? A quiet, peaceful night turned into a bright chirpy day. I put on my most loved songs, sang along, strummed the guitar for a bit, caught up with my favourite people and all was hunky dory till this piece of human beingness came along... *aaargh* so anyway.. after discussing the idea with a close friend, I have decided to blog about it.

* Girls don't like men turning possessive about them unless they're in a relationship and if someone's hitting on her blatantly. Go ahead and take responsibility. Make it known that she's your girl. It'll earn you brownie points. On any other occasion, she'll think you're some psycho running loose on the streets. If you're just friends with her, she'll never talk to you again.

* If you don't want to keep in touch with her, say it loud and clear. Don't get in touch with her and then pretend like she's the one who's after you. If you don't have anything to talk about, save us the trouble.

* If there's a friendship that is bordering on a romantic relationship, DO NOT ask her if she thinks so and so is pretty or tell her about how you and Ms. I'm so dumb in the brains share a lot in common. For all you know, you secretly wish to be with your best friend or at least someone like her. If it's just a plain, platonic friendship, don't ever make the mistake of fooling around.

* If you have meant something to us in the past, chances are that we will still care about you till you prove to be a bigger B****** than we've assumed you to be. We seldom like bitterness.

* It annoys us when you act indifferent. Don't ask us why but it does.

* Most girls want to hold onto the "honeymoon" period of their relationships. Don't f***** deny them that joy.

* All reasons for a break up that say "I fell out love" are processed in one way: you didn't want to make the effort, you lazy ass!

* Girls can fake orgasms. And we don't have pillow fights. And that is the truth!

* Contrary to what you believe, we think men and women can be friends. Just friends. If I'm being nice to you, it does not mean I want to date/flirt/sleep with you. I'm just sweet in general.

* It doesn't take too much to make or keep us happy. If only you would open your eyes and be more observant.

* The ultimate test: If we ask you: Why are you with me? Why do you like me? and you don't have an answer at the tip of your tongue, we know exactly where this relationship is heading...

* "Women will do anything for love, even sex. Men will do anything for sex, even love." A guy told me this.

* Conversation and communication are labeled "high priority"!

* We can't live with you, we can't live without you. There. It's out in the open!

Will keep updating the list as and when required.

As of now I'm addicted to this

The song makes me happy; like every wrong will turn into a right; where it becomes easier for me to keep the memory without any bitterness; where it gives me the courage to dream big, where hope still exists and smiles truly make it a wonderful world!

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

If any of you read this, do me a favour. Go out and make at least one person smile today. Once you've spread the cheer, post a little something as a comment. It'll be appreciated. Thanks! :)

Dedication Time

Ooh you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you you're all I see
Ooo you make me live now honey
Ooo you make me live

Ooh you're the best friend that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine and I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
Oh you're my best friend

Ooo you make me live

Ooh I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you
In rain or shine
You've stood by me,
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend

Ooo you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you to help me forgive
Ooo you make me live now honey
Ooo you make me live

You're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the things
I really love the things that you do
You're my best friend

Ooo you make me live

I'm happy at home
You're my best friend
Oh ya
Oh you're my best friend
Ooo you make me live
You you're my best friend.

Saying It Right Out Loud

I like that I can laugh about all sorts of things: Funny expressions on people's faces, mommy's sardonic sense of humour, P G Wodehouse, random jokes, my theories, movies, myself :P I'm not fussy about food as long as it doesn't wriggle on my plate. Fussy about the place I eat in/at? Another story :) I have an ear for music. I don't have a problem picking up a tune almost immediately after I hear it; At most times, I maintain my sense of peace but when I need to, I'm not afraid to hit; I love to explore. I would thoroughly enjoy myself while figuring out how to get from one place to the next. Contrary to sexist beliefs, here's a girl who can read a map and has a good sense of direction; I cut myself away from reality very often. I zone in and then space out completely. I don't know too many people who can do it; My independence means the world to me. Tuts once called me a gypsy and said I should turn to Tarot Card Reading if ever want a second career option. He said it's just this aura that I have. Thanks, Tuts but no matter what, I will never be as free as the sky or the sea... and secretly that's what I wish for... and I know if it comes true, I won't know what to do because I'll be worried about the huge responsibility that tags along; Socks, Pencils, stationery in general, clean combs and nails, my hands, getting the lyrics of songs right, strawberries - I like what I'm obsessed with; I appreciate the small things people do for me in a big way. The handmade gifts don't come with a "give me something in return" policy. It's just my way of saying "You mean something to me." People are important to me but I think it's okay to be selfish at times. Somebody told me that I have an insane capacity to love people and I don't think any compliment can surpass this one. For once, I accepted graciously :)Siblings are amazing people. It's actually easy to be nice to them and respect them for who they are. Mine thinks I'm a rowdy:) Bryan Adams still has the raspiest voice... and I never wanna see the sun go down. I love the fact that I have a term for everything that I feel, that I'm not lost for words; I feel restless if I don't drink enough water during the day; I hold my dreams close to my heart. If I have ever asked you what your biggest dream is, I will remember the answer you gave me. That applies to your birthday too; I fool around a lot, can hardly ever get too serious about things yet I know exactly where I'm headed. I appear to be flippant but I know my mind really well; The only time I will throw someone out of my life is when he/she betrays my trust or is involved in physically/mentally abusing the people I love (including me); It takes very little to make me smile. Very very very little. I'm a happy person. I believe that some things in this world happen for a reason. We just ignore the signs; My parents are the coolest people I know and I love spending time with them; I love it silky smooth and natural; I know how and I think I know how amazing but till the time is right I will not bend my principles :P I amuse myself all the time - whether it's drawing parallels from fictitious characters, talking to myself, enacting scenes, quite oblivious to the people around, singing out loud, buzzing around... I've been told that I'd make an awesome mom and I quite like the thought of it; I want my copy of Tuesdays with Morrie; I wish upon the first star that blinks every night. And I know someday, I'll be up there with some fabulous people, looking out for the ones who are yet to join the celebration...

So till then, I shall continue to believe that I am normal. It's the rest of the world that is weird.

U2?

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you

New Year's when it shifted. One precarious situation after another. A close fight and finally now to be able to get lost in Bono's voice!

Please to be noting.. THE blog entry has been emailed to self. It does not change how I feel about the issue. But all that for later. Right now I feel HHHHHAAAAPPPPYYYY!!! Miscalculation in dates is the best thing that's happened to me this month. Ha! Losers... Wasn't talking about my cycle.. Just some assignment submissions.. Wo Baby!!! :)

Happy Earth Day!

Let's see... cycling to school with a poster on my basket that said - I'm eco friendly. I cycle. Carrying my own shopping bag... a cloth one... and avoiding plastic carry bags as much as I can. Using public transport for a long time till I switched to my electric bike. Making compost at home. Not littering. Bathing with lesser water (ok, I'm kidding but at least I turn the shower off) and making complete use of the solar panels installed on the terrace. Walking short distances (except the MG road-Commercial Street stretch. I can't do it unless Leo's with me!). Switching off lights when they aren't in use...

A long way to go but I'm glad I'm doing my bit for the environment. There's just this planet that I call home. Might as well keep it clean :)

Can't get over the silky smoothness, the golden brown, baked shade and the fresh, laid back, floating, sensuous feeling.... ahhhhhh....

I know I'll never outgrow this. Gladdens the heart! :)

I want You and You out of my life!! Take what belongs to you.. and you... and scram. I'm FKing tired of playing games. You and You aren't worth it!

Feel better already....

It's an unusual name. Never heard it before. One of a kind - Person and name.

Rewind. Back to school. Back to 9th std.

What does DBS stand for?

Ha ha, Isn't it better than 3D? We (Onjus, Mickey Mouse, First Crush and a few extras I think) came up with the killer name. Don't think it's just a short form or anything. It stands for *Drumroll* DHEEBSHIBA BRISTOL SUBBALAKSHMI!!!

While she chased the rest of them around the classroom, we girls just rolled on the floor laughing.

All these years I believed the name meant "Queen of Lights". Discovered today that it is Rubella Peter in English :P (or Peter Rubella)

or is that just your alter ego?

If Chimney's theory is right, you can be Peter Peter too. Just pray Chims brings Sensi and her sexy nose to the wedding :P

I feel the need to be completely honest right now. It's a feeling. It'll pass.... Muhahaha!!!

So... Where was I? Oh yes, my fun filled weekend! Chubby and I were out shopping on Saturday evening and oh boy, it was awesome!!! She calls me her lucky charm and I trust her opinion when I pick things up. The pink shorts were h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s!! I mean who did they keep in mind while designing those silly things... Barbie? I would never want to be a size zero. If I were a guy, I would want my woman with some meat on her. Only flab is a no-no...ok, change topic... so we sipped Iced tea, laughed at the pseudo fight that was on and finally found a pair that fit just right... a little too right for me! Pbbbt! Whatever. I need my holiday!! :)

Then came Sunday. Crab. Prawns. DBBBBBB!!! Pitsssssssss!! Chimssssss! Girl bonding! After a yummy meal, we took a walk to the Road. Will post the funnies in a bit. Entered Le Rock(?) Beer. S** on the beach. Unknown thing that Chims ordered and Ladies and Gentlemen... Hold your breath... She actually liked it! Or maybe it was just us not ordering things she liked. Ha! Giggles. Music. TV. Secrets. One phone call. Buzzzzz. Met Rith. Got back to DB's. Met Dhols... Next topic change... Got home. Chilled out dinner with my folks. I just hope I've inherited my mother's culinary skills. Or like she says - Haath ka kamal.

The week has been lovely. Dinners with friends, long chats with people who can be friends. New clothes. Inch loss. No confusion. *Sigh* would like more of these.

Funny!

You hit the nail on the head! Crazy as we are...

P.S. Stop laughing, DB.. I can almost hear you say - I told you!!

On My Bookshelf

Sleep. Travel. Learn.

And my mantra for life is set.

I thought the book was witty and uplifting yet deep.

I'll Be Okay

It's time to let you go
It's time to say goodbye
There's no more excuses
No more tears to cry

There's been so many changes
I was so confused
All along you were the one
All the time I never knew

I want you to be happy
You're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now
All that could have been
I'll always have the memories
She'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing
Just when you don't want it to

Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
Till love comes again
I'll be okay

Life passes so quickly
You gotta take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters
You'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching
For what was always there
Sometimes it will be too late
Sometimes it won't be fair

I won't give up
I won't give in
I can't recreate what just might have been
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to begin

I can't hold on forever baby
I'll be okay

Not as dramatic but in whatever little sense. Something tells me this too shall pass...

Dedication Time!

This played while I was sipping my iced tea in McD's. Rith, you're the first person who came to my mind. Love ya!