I'm trying to figure out how screwed my head is right now. Ok wait, maybe screwed is not the word. I don't know what is. I have an assignment submission tonight and I know for a fact I'm not going to finish on time and it's upsetting me. My brain is a voluntary organ that decides to switch off whenever it feels like. I hate what's become of me over the last couple of months. I hate what I've allowed myself to become. Lazy, fat, bereft of passion and interest of any kind and sadly I don't know if I have any diligence, sincerity and discipline left in me. I used to take pride in working within a well defined structure, allocating enough time to finish all that was on my To Do list, avoid taking breaks in between my jobs and end the day with a broad smile for having accomplished something. Where has all of that gone? Now I'm irascible most of the times, my mind focuses on the most irrelevant and insignificant things, I yawn at the thought of hard work and can't seem to push myself to move an inch. It annoys me. The only thing that frustrates me more is that it's all my own doing. My folks don't question me about my studies or what I'm upto because they just trust my decisions. Well, I'm not doing a good job of being smart. I feel like I'm just wasting my life away. Yes, Me! The girl who knew what heights she wanted to scale at the age of 14, what dreams she wanted to turn into reality, who chucked a daft albeit well paying job to one side on the basis of just an interview call and believed she would make it to one of her dream schools. And now when she has a plethora of opportunities and resources in front of her, she is doing nothing about it. I give myself the vaguest of excuses, convince myself that I have other important things to attend to and then in the end make a mess of everything. EVERY SINGLE THING! And I'm not growing any younger to think I have all the time in the world to settle things in the future! I've just forgotten to live in the moment and I feel whacking myself for it. Yes, I have issues with my academics. I feel inexperienced and inadequate sometimes and feel helpless because my age is the biggest hindrance in this case. This sets off a series of thoughts but thankfully stops just before I breakdown or burn out. I'm fine for a while and then it begins again. I hate it!

I think it's time for me to transform into a more dedicated individual. Just the kind I've known myself to be. If it means seeing lesser of the city, spending more time at home, cutting down on the fun (not giving it up entirely), catching up on all my reading, breaking free of social networking sites and this F*** all need to constantly be in touch with people, keeping my mind active, developing analytical and critical thinking abilities and gaining perspective, so be it. I don't want to deteriorate further. I just want to get the lost bits of "me" back and start all over again!