Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where,
And we don't know where.

A line from one of my favourite songs. I love how it hints at sadness, aspiration, friendship, loneliness, joy and philosophy... akin to the year that's been.

And the year that is on its way.

I
don't
care
about
what
the
rest
of
the
world
thinks,
says,
does,
feels.
For
me
my
time
is
important
and
it
infuriates
me
when
people
play
around
with
it.
I
wouldn't
do
it
to
you
so
I
think
you
can
back
off
too.
And...

Leave
me
be.

Fight.

The inner conflict. The need to show affection. Authority. Shallowness. Badly executed ideas. Craving for junk food. Auto rickshaw drivers. Ghosts from the past.

Kids who greet you with their happy smiles, bright eyes and curious minds. A team which knows how to have fun seriously. A mentor who inspires you to be relentless. Constant learning. Explore, explore, explore.

Nothing's gonna change my world.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'

If my life had a soundtrack, this song would definitely be a part of it!

Let Go...

So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

This has been my comfort song for the last two months.

Maybe because I've never looked at breakdown this way.

Whatever!

So the feeling lingers... right there...yeah, there. It's sickening. Makes me want to barf. But all that will probably come out is bile... in deep dark green. I don't feel this way or that. Just incredibly unsociable. I walk around like a zombie. The slightest thing irritates me and nope, it isn't the regular physiological occurence. I don't want to be noticed. I don't want to reach out to anybody. I don't want to care about anyone else. Just want to live in my little space where I decide who comes in. I know I'm sweating the small stuff.. the really, really, REALLY small stuff but maybe that is what is generating the toxic content.

Need to take some time off...

I feel like a block of wood

How I wish it was like this...

At least...

Glass Half Empty

It seemed that way. All the symptoms were present. I was ready to cut off from the world. I like those little breaks I get. My indifference folder would swell up as I would enter a state of limbo. All things.. good or bad.. neglected. The stage was set. And then, it passed me. Skipped me like I didn't exist and moved on with the wind while I was left far behind. My thoughts have been spiraling ever since.

Pettiness and egos take the front seat while relationships are bumped off. From the eyes of this 24 year old, some slices of the world seem insane and murky. The same old inner conflict rears its ugly head and I'm caught in a moment I can't get out of. Snap, snap, turn caustic, pass snide remarks, stay defensive and cynical and at the end of the day, be contrite about what's happening. Why couldn't that phase just take me along with it? Listlessness is a familiar lane for me and I would've known exactly what to do. My indifference folder did have enough space. Right now, I feel like stooping real low and in a burst of immaturity, giving it all back in full measure...

Whoever this is, whatever has taken over, I don't like it. But I want to live it all and let it die a natural death. And then....


repent in leisure.

Lazy Confessions

* I am incapable of dealing with: Noise, educated adults who refuse to think, men who talk rubbish and blame it on alcohol, hair in food and lizards.

* I like the one-on-one time that I spend with certain people. It helps me build relationships. I hate it when those people try to mix my worlds.

* I like biking because it's something I can do by myself. I can be away from people and there is nothing like exploring a place on a bicycle.

* I'm in love with Robert Plant's voice and I wish that someday a guy (who spells properly) would sing/dedicate Thank You to me.

* "Letting go" is probably one of the simplest things I can do.

* If you have touched my life in any way, chances are that no matter what you do in the future, I will still remember the good times and smile.

* Summer is far more likable than any other season.

* The sibling and I have extremely different tastes and takes on life but we share one of the healthiest relationships I have ever known. It perhaps is the most special too.

* Thank heavens I have an ear for music. It is one of the few things that will stick with me.

* I'm often described as quirky, crazy, weird and I'm grateful that my parents just let me be.

* Teaching makes me wanna burst with happiness.

* I cannot bear to see paper cut crookedly.

* I'm pretty useless when it comes to small talk. But I can manage to be pleasant.

* I want to live for today, I want to roll in the hay.

Zone out... Space out... Drift away... and return only when the time is right...

On My Playlist

Just a couple of songs that are on repeat mode...

You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling - The Righteous Brothers

It's called the Top Gun effect. Waitaminut. It's the Watching-Top Gun-on-a-fancy-home-theatre-system-effect. Every time I listen to it, I picture Lt. Pete Mitchell and *swoon* Men in Uniform... we'll talk about that later... Back to the song now. It's lovely and makes me want to bring back that lovin' feeling.

Vincent - Don McLean

At any point of time if your life has had a moment where you were completely blown away by Vincent van Gogh's art, you'll delve, swirl, roll in the beauty of this song. I think a post card I received has something to do with my current obsession with Vincent.

Desperado, Ol' 55 - The Eagles

Just so that I can sing along with them when they play live :)

Dhobi Ghat Theme

As I was falling in love with the movie, I realised that the music had a huge part to play in making me feel that way. Subtle, fluid, melancholic and makes you sink into a pool of emotions.

The Pink Panther Theme

Henri Mancini, I bow down to you :)

Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches

A personal favourite. The strumming, lyrics, the picture it paints - All perfect for a bright summer's day... or perhaps just any day.

Adhoore

A song from Break Ke Baad. I like the beat and it's my recent pick-me-up song

And of course:

Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin

An absolute masterpiece. This is how I end my day. Soaking in every word, feeling every note under my skin. My head is humming and it won't go. Thank heavens for that...

Almost There

Birthdays are a fun time to reflect on life. Relationships, interests, goals, wishes... all those big, important things and the little ones that join in along the way.

Turning 24 was extremely interesting. Equations were finally balanced. I don't resist change but I can't say I'm a huge fan of it.

And the clock continues to tick.

A special thank you to all those people who thought of me on my day and sealed some love in envelopes and sent it across :)

A fancy free Friday spent with one of my favourite people should have led to a super duper Saturday with more of the ones I love. That's how it was laid out in my head.

Instead the afternoon brought in a bit of terrible news. Hoping for the best, we continued to munch and catch up on all that had happened in the last few weeks. Thankfully, the city was kind and gave us some unbelievably lovely weather. We walked up a road, discovering places for the first time, laughing in the breeze. Finally, we found a spot that looked eerily perfect. Our conversation flowed... till it was rudely interrupted by a fight on the phone. Ah, there went the precious mood. The chatter that followed left us with an unsettling feeling. Right there in the stomach. And that was the beginning of the cold war.

For me, the events only brought back a huge chunk of the past. Childhood grudges, flushes of anger during adolescence and lamenting mistakes made during the post teen era. It all played like a movie. Every incident that follows only reaffirms my "theories" and takes me one step closer to complete detachment.

But every cloud does have a silver lining. Maybe just a sliver of silver. Yesterday it was that time spent under the tree, talking and giggling with two of my closest friends.

For now, I need to find another orbit.

Flipping through a virtual album and I stop at a photo that I had almost forgotten about. Well, it doesn't hang on the line in my room anymore. I have my reasons.

Seeing it after ages, I figured that maybe the good times don't always get better. Sometimes, they end. And that is the best solution.

I know for sure that I've passed all stages of bitterness and anger.

*Gives the peace sign*

Hmmm

“for whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea”

- E. E. Cummings

The salary shall pay for a little holiday. Wonderful place called Pondicherry. Not alone.

We three... We are not a crowd. Not even a company. My echo, my shadow and me.

- Ruskin Bond

I can't wait to start working.

It seems exciting. Fun. New. Creative.

And

It'll give me the perfect reason to let the world rot in my indifference folder.

Sounds good.

Now back to mindless TV watching.

Deep reserves of emotions or just emotionally dead?

So after a day long affair, we graduated. Hooting, whistling, clapping, throwing shawls in the air, screaming (Not us. We were a very well behaved bunch) and finally the degrees came our way. I thought I would be thrilled beyond words but I'm not. I'm in my mixed feelings zone. I'm not going to visit the city for a long time to come. Strangely, I seem to be forgetting a lot of things that were once happy memories. My head is still buzzing all the time. I don't know when I'll see my batchmates again. I don't know what the future holds in store for me.

I'm going to switch off for a while. Maybe a little holiday (starting tomorrow) will wipe the haziness away.

Detachment. I want. Now.

Sometimes it gets on my nerves to deal with fully able, educated, grown up people who just think paying attention is too much to ask for. After trying hard to be understood, I raise my voice slightly and I get accused of being short tempered. Egad! In all honesty, I can't wait to hit the city by the sea. That place always provides me with a cloak of anonymity on arrival. Sadly, it withers away when I leave. This probably is the story of my life. I need peace, space and my sense of freedom all the time. Don't know if it is a good or bad thing.