Bye Bye 2008

This was intended to be posted on 31/Dec but I doubt if I'll be in the right frame of mind to do it. So we do some "push button publishing" tonight. Here's a mix of the highlights and lessons. 2008. The year that was...

TISS, TISS, TISS! The biggest moment of 2008. How much ever I tyoe, I would never be able to do justice to that exhilarating feeling!!

Moving into The House... Finally!

Leaving Hyd. It's still one of my favourite holiday places and I love the people but I'm glad I moved back home. My life needed that sense of discipline. and who can resist home cooked food? :)

Finding a roomie as insane as I am. PBR, you're truly one of a kind! Now bring some Macher Jhol in the 3rd sem, thikache?

Becoming an Un-jinxed member of the club. This time without any drama :)

Forging relationships with some amazing people.

Understanding how much the girls mean to me!

Still not understanding the idiosyncrasies of the male species... Homo sapiens in particular.

Losing the Hyd weight. I still have a long way to go but it's a start.

Finally ending all those friendships that didn't hold any value... Accepting that they're over and being okay with it.

Strawberry Fields Forever? :)

Being rather docile for most parts of the year.

Happy 22 to me! One of my most wonderful birthdays ever. Once again, thank you people!! :)

Making use of my blog.

Getting girlie without losing the madness! :)

errr... ummmm.. aaaa.. uh huh!

Working with ACT. I love every minute of it.

And for the moment that i might be too drunk to talk about (if I remember anything):

Spending New Years eve with my favourite people! *Muah*

I may have missed out on a few moments but heck, I don't care! There were ups, downs, highs, lows (some being very very low) but over all, 2008 has been brilliant. 2009 may hold a lot more in store but right now we hold onto truckloads of memories and enjoy the ride into a brand new beginning :)

"Absence is to love as wind is to fire; It extinguishes the small and enkindles the great."

- Roger de Bussy-Rabutin


Just a thought that I like. No deeper meanings.

The Bucket List is on its way.. watch this space...

This is for you, oh li'l one. Everytime I meet you, spend those two hours with you - listening to you talk, watching you nod your head when you understand something, your sincere effort to learn, seeing you smile with innocence and glee - I walk out with an overwhelming sense of peace. You make me forget about my worries and I realise how inconsequential and insignificant things are in the big picture :)

On My Playlist...

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Isn't is strange that I wish for things to stay just the way they are; not change for the better or the worse? If I make a conscious effort to look at my life, I'm amazed at my levels of indifference! Initially, I felt I was being pushed to feel that way but I don't think so anymore. It's just the way I've become. I've cushioned myself so well that when I fall from the clouds, I'll bruise nothing :) I've turned numb to sorrow, anger, irritation, anxiety...Coach would probably kill me for being this way but I don't want to snap out of it. On one hand, the attention is soaring and it was putting me off till a few day ago and on the other hand, there is a breakdown. I guess it just neutralizes everything. I don't feel like I've been shortchanged nor do I feel like a million bucks. For once, I'm not swinging towards the extremes and I actually like it. My emotions are turning dormant and I'm okay with it. I don't feel the need to reach out to anybody and I'm okay with that too. I continue to be as blah as ever and that is most definitely okay! Everyday, I grow up a 'little more'....

Is it just me or does the world actually look like it's full of love and care? Should get myself checked for Christmas Fever...




Christmas Fever it is! Ho ho ho :)

C Boy, Thank you for a beautiful day! I can't tell you how much you mean to me. It feels wonderful to know you! :)

At the onset, let me allow the feeling to pass - The nagging feeling that makes me want to abuse that A*****E!

In the last 10 years, at no point (before 9 PM) have I felt unsafe in my city. I have always believed that the people around are helpful and friendly. But society always has its bunch of frustrated, disgusting, screwed up perverts who think that any girl walking on the road should be converted into material for their F*** all fantasies!

I do some volunteer work for an NGO that manages kids. I was a couple of steps away from the centre when a guy got off his bike and went to the nearest wall. I ignored his actions as I thought he probably had to relieve himself. Answering nature's call is probably the second most popular national pastime (the first being spitting). Only, instead of facing the wall, he turned towards me and very shamelessly started flashing his organs... right there, in broad daylight... And began using some colourful language. My first instinct, in unexpected situations, is aggression and for a millisecond I stopped to pick up a stone. But I realised that the roads were empty, with not a soul in sight (except that bastard and me). Feeling rather helpless, I made a dash for it and ran to the centre. I spent my time there constructively but the incident was stuck in my head.

No, it isn't going to scar me for life or imbibe me with fear. But sometimes I feel that growing up as a girl in this country restricts my freedom as an individual. Why is it that we're the ones who are always told to dress, talk, eat, behave in a way that will not draw attention and have to live under suspicion all the time? Do mothers/fathers/family not teach their oh-so-beloved boys how to behave in public? It disgusts me to no end!

All evening there's been a recurring thought. The incident took place a few metres away from a place where little kids go to have fun, learn and interact with people. How safe is their neighbourhood?

As for that guy, I just hope no one ever abuses his child. The world can really do with some moral cleansing!

DB!! On your list you forgot to add this - You're the best person in Bangalore :)

It's tough for me to explain what I'm going through right now.

When I was 18 and my "young and stupid" phase stared at me right in the face, I had made a couple of promises to myself and accepted a few things as the absolute truth that wouldn't change with time and circumstances. Yes, it made me the cynical nut that I am but at least I was content and at peace. Why is it so difficult for me to live like that again?

I read a note on my phone which I had typed out long ago. I had even forgotten about it. The language is simple, no profound philosophy or thoughts doing the rounds and I relate to every word right now.

I would really like to know why the time and space were chosen. It has nothing to do with the emotions. I don't doubt them even for a second. It's just that the actions, sporadic bouts and nonchalance point towards a very puzzling state of affairs.

I would prefer honest opinions to customary actions or lines.

For the two people I happen to refer to by the same name - Why do I turn a deaf ear to all that you say?

I believe that happiness can't be hidden. If it exists, it would find a way to shine. Why do I sense a lack of any kind of joy?

Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening. Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never been hurt? I don't have a problem with the first three. I don't know if I am capable of the last.

And in the end, we surrender to this...



But in the meantime
you are bound to fall
'Cause your wounds are gonna heal
You're gonna learn just how to deal
With unequal love

Uh huh...

I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late
And I'm alone with you

The time is right your "perfume" fills my head, the stars get red
And oh the nights so blue
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: I love you

More Confessions....

Some days I wish I had Calvin's imagination.

I live romances in my head. Candlelight, dinner for two, walks under the moon, star gazing, "too close for comfort".. All of it.

I hate it when people litter. It boils my blood.

I can't bottle up my feelings. Being frank all the time might come across as childish but that's exactly how I am.

My right foot's bigger than my left foot

When I sit in a bus or in a restaurant I have to face the door. Any other way disturbs my senses.

I have an indifference folder. I really do. You trouble me too much and that's where you get placed.

I don't form first impressions but I believe that vibes stay on for years to come.

I don't like the word "Ugly". I try not to use it when I talk.

My greatest fear is that I will die without telling people how much I love them. This is the first time I'm being open about it.

I'm still a cleanliness freak.

I can blow spit bubbles. It's damn cool!

I have a bucket list and I intend to strike every little thing mentioned there.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm very boring to drink with.

I love my nose. It's a typical Palghat Iyer nose.

It doesn't take too much to make me smile.

Pink is not my favourite colour. White, Blue and Yellow are.

I still don't have a secret...

I totally, absolutely, completely, wholly, truly love being a girl.

*Yawn*

Everything seems so blah! "The return of the nerd" campaign ain't going nowhere, all the care is being washed away with ice cold water, the tummy now resembles a globe and I'm not proud of it - I would never want to be painfully skinny! I'm full bodied (minus an a**), I love food and trust me, for a girl, I can really eat!! Now only if we could incorporate some form of exercise into our "busy" schedule and stick to our diet for more than just a day... hmmm... More than anything else, I can't take another smirk and sarcastic comment from mommy dearest about my weight loss programme.. gotta make that flab disappear...

Everything still feels so blah... Like I told Rith, my alternate career option should take care of me for a while... I can use my All Stars to run away.. What fun!!

BLAH!!!

Ha! Finally found someone who's willing to strum his guitar and sing for me.... Yay!!! Thank you, Dhols :)

Ro, Christmas is almost here! Yay!! again

I will still kill anyone who tries to hurt Pits.

DB, I really wish everyone was as uncomplicated as you are.

Xubs, you're hilarious!

Bandy, Mrignaini, tu na jaane...

Chims, when are we meeting? :(

Rith, I'm picking up war strategies.

Tuts, get well soon and have a blast in Goa.

PBR, I miss you like crazy!!

Radio Partner, my life's chugging along...

AD, here's a hug to comfort you.


Blogs are nice things! :)

On My Playlist...

Refreshing, peppy and the woman can really sing!!

You may beg to differ but I hate the distance... in more ways than one... *sigh*

Dropping a note for my mad boy - I was very puzzled at the sudden change in behaviour.I always have been; so much so that I almost believed that it had become a pattern. This time I had to ask around. I got some very weird answers. Nothing fit right.

And then dinner happened last night! We finally bonded. Amidst all the wrapping paper, ribbons and tape, we caught up on all that we had left out on; like a couple of hours made up for so many months of not being around. In the end, it felt great to chuck all the not so good times behind us and get back to how it was, how we've known it to be.

Dhols, sometimes it's very hard for me to believe how well you actually know me. When you read my mind, it freaks me out!! But this friendship means a lot to me. I'm more than happy to be "the buddy" here. It gives me the freedom to be my crazy self. To be quite a pumpkin :)

Something I read long ago... There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone... Hmmm... Ultimately, love is a choice, me thinks :)

This is for one of the cutest people I know. The fights, not-talking-to-her phases (knowing quite well that the other was just as miserable), sorting things out on the NGV bench or building stairs, the surprise gifts, the crushes (How did we ALWAYS end up liking the same guy???), bus rides, love for food, school, holidays, 'terrace parties', phone conversations or rather the lack of them, confessions.... I could go on and on...But just so you know, you're worth all of it - My pretty Marathi girl

I'm glad I met you yesterday! That line in your song will always be true :)

Tu khush hai to lage ke jahan mein chhaayi hai khushi

I still love Pink! Discovering that was like my Ah-Ha moment of the day!! Someone's getting girlie and is enjoying every minute of it :)

And I thought the tear glands had dried up.. The world can go take a flying F***.. I'm done with all of it. And I don't have to feel bad. At the end of the day, I'm human too...

You say knock knock
I open the door wide to let you in
We talk over a cup of tea, perhaps several
And then it's time to leave

You say knock knock
I open the door wishing it's you
You walk in and we brew the tea together
And one day you realise it's coffee you crave for

I close my door and hope it remains that way
May the latch never be pulled down again
I have no one to wait for, no one to see
I sip my tea while it's still warm
Silence is a stranger no longer

You say knock knock
And use your key to let yourself in
I've grown to enjoy my tea by myself
You've left the door swinging

The wind blows hard
It creaks that wooden board
The hinges are getting loose
The door's opening wider

And then you say knock, knock
I'm pleased to see you
The tea boils over and flows over the counter
But it hardly matters
Using another cup makes me happy
And don't worry about doing the dishes
Just leave the door ajar, I've learnt to clean up the mess...

It's between a few sips of coffee, laughter, sneezes, story telling and darkness that you realise that Mom still gets all that you say and feel and Dad's still such a buddy! And all the emails, gtalk pinging, calls etc. can never fill in for the big brother...

On My Playlist

Obsessed!

I love the way December feels; almost as much as I love November :) While November's the month people get to pamper me, December is my "pamper yourself" time... And for those of you I like, maybe a few surprises are on their way.......

For that heart of gold....

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in
my heart)I am never without it(anywhere
I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)I want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)

- E. E. Cummings

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow....

I wake up to a day of questions. All that I have known to be true, I begin to doubt because the answers I give myself don't fit perfectly. When things don't fall in place, it annoys me. I hate moments when my scales are disturbed and I lose my balance. It has been happening a lot of late. The only things that make sense to me are my folks and a bunch of friends. And music. It's strange that a couple of notes make me breathe again.

I don't want to be the cause of someone else's state of irritation and anger. If I can't make them smile or give them something to laugh about, why be there at all? Maybe I do recognise my lessons when they hit me in the face. It may not be the best practice to follow but I know I will look out for myself. If I don't, no one else will. I know I'm too wise to be fooled again. Like Coach says, some things find a place in the "Indifference folder". There is no reason for my life to be threaded with other elements.

Phew! That feels good!

Unconnected...

Terror attacks turn me numb. Not indifferent, just numb. There are always these stories of people missing death by a whisker.. not boarding a train, changing plans, taking another route instead of the usual..I turn numb to all of it. Death always makes me think of my own life. If I was to die tomorrow or even in the next minute, would I have any regrets? Nope. None whatsoever. I remember having an argument with someone who had an issue with the way I perceived life. He ultimately told me that I live in a beautiful little bubble and don't know what reality is about. The way I look at it is "yeah, there will always be problems, soap operas, drama etc. but if none of it is going to matter 20 years down the line, it's okay to laugh about it." I still live that way. And what always strikes me when I hear of people dying is that irrespective of who we are and what we would like to be, how insignificant we all are in the larger picture! Death is such a fine leveler.

I'm tired of being lazy! Never thought I would say that but it's the truth. I'm tired of giving myself all those excuses for things not going the way I would like them to and it's about time I took charge of my life. Few things on the list are getting myself a job that pays - I hate being financially dependent, fixing my teeth and most importantly, stop abusing my fortune! I want to go back to being a nerd...

This one's for you. It kills me when I make a mess of expressing how I feel. I don't need an ego massage. It's absolutely fine if you don't ever find the words to say all that you would like to. It's not right for me to mix my past and all my cynicism with you. I can't thank you enough for all that you are.. for all that you make me.

My girls.. all my girls... Muah!!