Lost? Na.....

I have a feeling that this might turn out really lengthy. But one of the reasons I have a blog is because it doesn't limit my thoughts. You probably need my mind to understand what I mean. I like empty spaces. I like spaces without any boundaries or walls. I like the fact that I can think for myself and not be tied down by the "what will other people say/think" syndrome. Ever noticed how ours is a shame based society and not a guilt based one? No, I don't advocate or prefer one over the other. It is just an observation. But sometimes I do wonder what kind of morals and values our entire social structure is built upon. Why just us? I often include the whole world. That's the beauty of thought. It has space to accommodate everybody. Assimilate and accommodate. Very Piagetian, I say. But isn't life a learning process, about discovering things for yourself? I think so. Everyday I learn something new, voluntarily and involuntarily. I genuinely believe that there are no mistakes in life. Only lessons. Perhaps that would explain why I don't regret anything that I have done (or not done). The good experiences I cherish and relive all the time; the bad ones I take in my stride and vow not to replicate in anyone else's life (atleast not intentionally). Idealistic? Honestly, I give a damn about what you think.

As a child, I was always told that I would do well in life. My parents didn't glorify me or think I was a good for nothing piece of human beingness. Instead, I was given an appropriate sketch of my abilities and was never discouraged from exploring my surroundings. I did well at school. My teachers never had a reason to complain. I thought I had pretty much figured out how I would like to shape my life. Three years in college, many, many people met - some I don't remember, some I would like to forget and a few I want to know forever; and my picture got prettier by the day. I went a little off track when I worked for a few months (added more experiences to my list) and then got back to my plan. (Plan. Can we actually "plan" every single day of our lives? Or is it safer to hope for the best and prepare for the worst? Do we make arrangements to include "unforseen" circumstances and liabilities? hmmm...)Anyway, moving on.. So I applied for the courses I wanted to take up and got through one of my dream schools. But what lies behind is that I had to give up some things to get here. Economics and opportunity cost? I understand it like never before. But now, I question things again. As vain as it may sound but when I take up something seriously I ensure that I do a fabulous job of it. It's strikes me as odd that I can't remember the last thing I gave my 100% to.. Passionless living personified! But slowly, things are gaining more clarity and taking a concrete shape...

I love my course. I love the people I get to interact with and the kind of stuff I'm learning is mindblowing. But if I get down to questioning why I am studying what I'm studying, it leaves me with an uncomfortable feeling. As a student, there have been several times when I haven't agreed with methodology, curriculum or certain opinions that I have come across. But there was very little that I could do at that time. I have my ideas on what schooling should be like. They're not right, not wrong but just my views on specific areas of the education system. Underlying all of this is the constant need to stand up for something and that's where my head gets thrown into a tizzy. Education in this country is something I feel very strongly about and I take complete pride in the fact that instead of sitting on my A** and whining about the shortcomings of the system, I'm taking a step towards helping out. There is a lot more that I could do but atleast it's a start. My ambitious side pushes me to envision a bold future... funny thing being that I don't see myself alive when all those "changes and reforms" reach our people.... but heart of hearts I know that if I can influence one person's life in a positive manner, it's a win! Little drops of water make the mighty ocean... This time my stay on campus is changing my thought process. It is so evident that sometimes it arrests me. Are we always conscious of the way we think or are we so deeply conditioned to think in a particular way that we are blind to the circumstances around us? It's rather interesting to alienate yourself from your own life and view it as a third person. A little freaky too. I even notice a number of mental blocks falling apart and mindsets vanishing... which in my understanding is a good thing. And this is no longer an attempt to attain "pseudo intelligence" or getting a degree that is highly valued in the market. It is about the experience; to extract all that I can and make use of that knowledge! I'm at a fascinating (or call it peculiar) stage where I'm caught between the worries and joys of any 22 year old and a mind that wants to break more barriers and delve in what lies below the surface and rise above the obvious.

My canvas is getting filled up. I hope I never run out of paint...