Lost? Na.....

I have a feeling that this might turn out really lengthy. But one of the reasons I have a blog is because it doesn't limit my thoughts. You probably need my mind to understand what I mean. I like empty spaces. I like spaces without any boundaries or walls. I like the fact that I can think for myself and not be tied down by the "what will other people say/think" syndrome. Ever noticed how ours is a shame based society and not a guilt based one? No, I don't advocate or prefer one over the other. It is just an observation. But sometimes I do wonder what kind of morals and values our entire social structure is built upon. Why just us? I often include the whole world. That's the beauty of thought. It has space to accommodate everybody. Assimilate and accommodate. Very Piagetian, I say. But isn't life a learning process, about discovering things for yourself? I think so. Everyday I learn something new, voluntarily and involuntarily. I genuinely believe that there are no mistakes in life. Only lessons. Perhaps that would explain why I don't regret anything that I have done (or not done). The good experiences I cherish and relive all the time; the bad ones I take in my stride and vow not to replicate in anyone else's life (atleast not intentionally). Idealistic? Honestly, I give a damn about what you think.

As a child, I was always told that I would do well in life. My parents didn't glorify me or think I was a good for nothing piece of human beingness. Instead, I was given an appropriate sketch of my abilities and was never discouraged from exploring my surroundings. I did well at school. My teachers never had a reason to complain. I thought I had pretty much figured out how I would like to shape my life. Three years in college, many, many people met - some I don't remember, some I would like to forget and a few I want to know forever; and my picture got prettier by the day. I went a little off track when I worked for a few months (added more experiences to my list) and then got back to my plan. (Plan. Can we actually "plan" every single day of our lives? Or is it safer to hope for the best and prepare for the worst? Do we make arrangements to include "unforseen" circumstances and liabilities? hmmm...)Anyway, moving on.. So I applied for the courses I wanted to take up and got through one of my dream schools. But what lies behind is that I had to give up some things to get here. Economics and opportunity cost? I understand it like never before. But now, I question things again. As vain as it may sound but when I take up something seriously I ensure that I do a fabulous job of it. It's strikes me as odd that I can't remember the last thing I gave my 100% to.. Passionless living personified! But slowly, things are gaining more clarity and taking a concrete shape...

I love my course. I love the people I get to interact with and the kind of stuff I'm learning is mindblowing. But if I get down to questioning why I am studying what I'm studying, it leaves me with an uncomfortable feeling. As a student, there have been several times when I haven't agreed with methodology, curriculum or certain opinions that I have come across. But there was very little that I could do at that time. I have my ideas on what schooling should be like. They're not right, not wrong but just my views on specific areas of the education system. Underlying all of this is the constant need to stand up for something and that's where my head gets thrown into a tizzy. Education in this country is something I feel very strongly about and I take complete pride in the fact that instead of sitting on my A** and whining about the shortcomings of the system, I'm taking a step towards helping out. There is a lot more that I could do but atleast it's a start. My ambitious side pushes me to envision a bold future... funny thing being that I don't see myself alive when all those "changes and reforms" reach our people.... but heart of hearts I know that if I can influence one person's life in a positive manner, it's a win! Little drops of water make the mighty ocean... This time my stay on campus is changing my thought process. It is so evident that sometimes it arrests me. Are we always conscious of the way we think or are we so deeply conditioned to think in a particular way that we are blind to the circumstances around us? It's rather interesting to alienate yourself from your own life and view it as a third person. A little freaky too. I even notice a number of mental blocks falling apart and mindsets vanishing... which in my understanding is a good thing. And this is no longer an attempt to attain "pseudo intelligence" or getting a degree that is highly valued in the market. It is about the experience; to extract all that I can and make use of that knowledge! I'm at a fascinating (or call it peculiar) stage where I'm caught between the worries and joys of any 22 year old and a mind that wants to break more barriers and delve in what lies below the surface and rise above the obvious.

My canvas is getting filled up. I hope I never run out of paint...

Right now, I feel like :

To the whole world!

On My Playlist...

Just the first track on repeat mode please...

Gonna Be A Bear

A friend of mine sent this. I loved it!

In this life I am a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yep, gonna be a bear!

To Onjus

Yes, I remember you. We don't talk everyday but knowing that you're just a phone call away means something to me. The stories we exchange about "Hitler", the sister-in-law, the families, the good times - There are very few people who can talk as much as I do and with you, it is effortless. Like you said on our ride back home, I am glad that we share such a strong bond considering all that we've been through. You seem to be a part of most of memories of school and looking back, am I thankful or what? Visit all your ports, build up that bank balance and we'll be friends for life :P

Countdown!!

Ah ha! The most exciting time of the year has begun... however, I want to spend the day of the grand finale by myself. Soul searching perhaps? I don't know. Right now, we shall continue to clap with glee! :)

Wondering...

A conversation that I had with one of my closest friends set me thinking. Are the people around me just inexpressive or do I not create for them what they create for me? Like someone once told me - Letting some people access your life doesn't mean you have complete access to theirs. Hmmm....*Pshsh*

Welcome back....

And it's back to square one. We maybe jinxed but it comes out of knowing exactly what we want. Or don't want :P *hug* to my girls! :)

Needed - TLC! :(

It's strange that a post like this should follow... but I can't help it. I feel squish squashed. Very blue. My ankle hurts. the 25th seems ages away.. so does the 29th. I can't drive. It's Piggy's birthday and I can't go see her. One brat's having mood swings. I can't ask for something because it makes people feel weird. I haven't found the time to get a haircut. I'm missing Pits. I'm too chicken to see a dentist. There is such nonsense being shown on TV. I promised to read atleast one book every week and that's going nowhere. I haven't touched any of those instruments in a while. And the weather's annoying me. No, I'm haven't flipped my lid. I agree that my city's weather is beautiful. It's light, breezy, filled with glee... just perfect to fall in love. Ha! We shall not even go there. Yes DB, system needs.. Love, alcohol and good cakes. Let's get the first two. The third will come along *sigh* Sometimes things are just not fair!!

A-ha!

Clouds and moons, stars shining bright,
Early mornings and deep, dark nights
Empty roads and endless walks
Those few moments when silence talks

Dogs and bubbles and comic books
Secret smiles and stolen looks
Peanuts in the rain, a drink in a bar
Add to my list, my six stringed sitar

Watching the rain, hot chocolate to sip
Paper, more paper and quilling strips
Friends and food and fun unlimited
Incessant giggles, my red timepiece and Ts - printed

Bangles and anklets, sneakers and socks
Silver bracelets and my Belgian rock
Hoops and studs and pearl drops
Strawberry lotion from The Body Shop

Perfume and flowers and country fairs
All things good for my happy hair
And for the girl I am, I'd like to say
I absolutely love lingerie

There are some things left, or rather a lot more
But yeah, all of this I adore

This Is Going To Hurt Just A Little Bit

One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair with my mouth wide open.

And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am against hope hopen.

Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,

But the one that is both is dental.

It is hard to be self possessed

With your jaw digging into your chest,

so hard to retain calm

When your fingernails are making serious alterations in your life line or love line or some other important line in your palm,

So hard to give your ususal cheerful effect of benignity

When you know your position is one of the two or three in life most lacking in dignity

And your mouth is like a section of road that is being worked on

And it is cluttered up with stone crushers and concrete mixers and drills and steam rollers and there isn't a nerve on your head that aren't being irked on.

Oh some people are unfortunate to be strung on by thumbs,

And others have things done to their gums,

And your teeth are supposed to being polished

But you have reason to believe they are being demolished.

And the circumstances that adds to your terror

Is that it's all done with a mirror,

Because the dentist may be a bear, or as the Romans used to say, only they were referring to a feminine bear when they said it, an ursa,

But all the same how can you be sure when he takes his crowbar in one hand and mirror in the other he won't get mixed up, the way you do when try to tie a bow tie with the aid of a mirror, and forget that left is right and vice versa

And then at last he says, That will be all, but it isn't because he then coats your mouth from cellar to roof

With something I suspect is generally used to put shine a horse's hoof,

And you totter to your feet and think, Well it's over now and after all it was only this once,

And he says come back in three monce.

And this O Fate, is I think the most vicious circle that thou ever sentest,

That Man has to go continually to the dentist to keep his teeth in good condition

When the chief reason he wants his teeth to be in good condition is so that he won't have to go the dentist.


Ogden Nash

My sentiments exact!

:P

And that one phone call snapped me out of my crabby mood. All the clouds of confusion vanish into thin air. Nothing is a big deal till you make it that way. Single, unavailable, non-linear, crazy and most importantly, content... Very!!! *chuckles again*

For something I accidentally ended up reading - I love your salt and pepper hair. Sometimes I secretly wish I had inherited those perfect teeth and that gorgeous mane! *chuckles*

Breathe.

Once bitten. Twice shy. Thrice indifferent. The "nth" time you just want to wrap it all up, throw it out of the window, use the most delightful abuses and decide you will NEVER EVER put yourself in that spot again! The world can take a hike. This moment is for you to take in the sun and all the good things that come with it. It is for you to be clear. To be alive.

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me.
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

- Sylvia Plath

Morbid yet beautiful.

??

And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?

Happiness!

Well, I guess the title says it all. But it has nothing to do with me or my states of euphoria. This is about some of the people I adore. While all of them are amazing in their own ways, somewhere there is a very basic sense of simplicity that I love them for. Maybe their answers vary now but I'm going by the replies I received on 30/Jun/2008. It's not always the 3 "M"s that get those fabulous smiles out. There are little things that matter.

So what makes Them happy?

Piggy: Poly - I guessed this one :)

Reddy Teddy: Manchester United winning. Tendulkar scoring. But more on a non sports level, a smile across a person who matters to me because of me. - All the big men are really nice :)

Nishu: Happy-Myself. Knowing the fact that being in a state of happiness comes from within and it cannot be found anywhere. It's really easy to be low and down in this world. but it takes great courage to remain happy even when s*** happens around you.It's a great challenge. :) - I love this! It's such simple philosophy and drips with Nishu-ness

Teddy: When the girl I am in love with says you are the best guy I can ever get - Trust me, my bear - She'll say it in Gujrati :)

Tannie: Silly li'l Kara - Tannie, your baby's in safe hands :)

Sushi: Seeing people around me be happy - Simplicity again

Pram pal: When out of the blue a dear friend or a loved one remembers you by either calling you or writes to you. Ah! - This one's on my list too.

Pits: Compliments from strangers in big cars ;) - Don't kill me for putting it up here. It's just very cute! :)

Suki: Dogs and travelling - One of those things that make us connect the way we do.

DB: Having pani puri in the rain, being with the ones you love when you want to, having the love of your life standing beside you and beautiful weather. To learn that there's someone who care about you and loves you at the end of the day. To have my favourite corner house ice cream in the middle of the night. To catch up with old friends and get to sing all the beautiful numbers. To dance to the tune of your own music in the rain. To listen to The Beatles and Eric Clapton. - DB, you make everyone happy! :)

Radio Partner: Mum is #1. Dogs. The beach. Walk in the rain. You when you sing and play your guitar. The smell of wet mud. My good friends. A good book. Babies. - Sherry girl, what would I do without you? :)

Sailor Boy: When mother nature blossoms. Also, the generosity of the poor. - I know every new place you see makes you smile from ear to ear too :)

Onjus: Thinking of the people I have around me and my school days - *sigh* I think our entire batch has very happy memories of school.

Chachu: Home cooked food. - Happiness captured in three words!

AD: Driving. - I know :)

Tara: Some spur of the moment things we do with our friends that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life - uh, dance videos, anyone? :)

Lamster: You make me smile, Niru - Thank you, Lamster. It's mutual :)

Dhols: Happy babies, little puppies - :)

Shreyas: I think a smile is what makes me smile from ear to ear. It's similar to this - someone telling me that you made my day makes my day! - I really miss our chats and lunches! There have been countless times when you've made my day!

Dinku: Zidane and Real Madrid playing breathtaking football. Toddlers in slightly oversized shorts. Everything turning green after the first drops of rain. And the smell of the earth. - This is so typically you! I've had some of my happiest times with you! :)

Tuts: If i would have a month to spend in Kolkatta with all my friends there, it would make me smile - Mister, when are you gonna show me around the city of joy?

Coach: When my whole family, all my friends, the ones I love and care for, everyone I know/don't know is happy and thankful to God, I'll be beyond happy - I guessed this one too!

Writing this post has made me very happy! :)

For the first time in these 21 years, being "weird" makes me cringe. Whether I like to believe it or not, maybe it's THE main reason why the unmentionables and unpleasant things have occurred... and continue to happen. Ah Well, Everyone needs his/her dose of entertainment. So there isn't really anything to feel low about. Ho-hum!

ISD-er!

I think it's a new advertisement on TV that has triggered off this post. A little girl loses a milk tooth and between her sobs and sniffles, she conveys the message to her elder brother. The brother consoles her and gets her smiling again. Those few seconds accurately capture the kind of bond I share with my sibling.

My brother is 4.5 years older than I am. My mum says that when I was born, he was probably the happiest of them all. No, not because he finally had someone to torture and kick around. I guess it was more about having a complete family. I've heard some scary stories about sibling rivalry and pangs of jealousy the first child goes through when the parents dote on the little one. I don't think we ever had a tale like that. He was thrilled that there was a baby in the house. While I was the mischievous, short tempered brat and everything I asked for was given to me, my brother was perhaps a lot easier to bring up. He hardly had any demands, never lost his cool, laughed things off and was incapable of being mean to anybody. Family functions, parties, gatherings and everyone only talked about what a nice boy he was. I could never understand why! According to my logic, since I was the more talented child, better at school, more expressive, it only made sense that I should have been the all time favourite and not him. Nah, never happened! Looking back, I know that in those moments of frustration, I said some really horrid stuff to him and could never bring myself to be nice to him. What infuriated me the most was that even after all the times I would yell at him, throw things at him, squeal on him, IT JUST NEVER GOT TO HIM! He continued to be as caring as ever and laughed at my silly attempts to hurt him. The funny part is that though I subjected him to my wicked side and spoke to him very rudely, I was always ready to bash up anyone who said a word against him. If my parents screamed at him, I would defend him, fight with them and stand up for him. There were times when our fights would get out of hand. Instead of portraying aggression or violence, he would just stop talking to me. Aargh! I still remember how miserable I felt! I would follow him around the house hoping that one li'l word would escape or I'd just sulk in my room till he came up and said something. Oh and if I was upset about anything and couldn't stop crying, he was the first person I would run to for some "cheering up".

As we grew up, things changed drastically. We started hanging out with each other a lot more and realised that we could have fun together. The punching and hitting (Violent me!) turned into verbal arguments which almost always ended in a "what are we fighting about?" or peals of laughter. We began understanding each other. As individuals, my brother and I are extremely different and at times we can't see eye to eye. But what is important is that along the way, we learned to respect each others views and opinions. And now, I can't make a single decision without listening to what he has to say. Yeah, there are days when I wish he was not so messy, inexpressive or tried doing things on an impulse. But even with all his flaws and habits that drive me up the wall, I wouldn't exchange him for anything in the world!

It is impossible for me to list all the things I have to thank you for so I am not even going to try. Quite honestly, you're one of the biggest reasons why I am spoiled to the core.... buying me gifts at the drop of a hat, taking me for countless movies, lunches, drinking sessions and dinners, playing all my inane games, letting me be the co owner of our comic collection (without asking me to shell out a penny), trying to pacify the folks everytime I've had a tiff with them... you pampered me all the while. But it is from you that I have learned to be kind to people, treat them with respect and use my freedom responsibly. I dunno why I was so rotten to the person who named me. Maybe because growing up with someone like you wasn't the simplest task for me. I always had to try harder to beat you at everything you did (often forgetting that there wasn't a competition on). Finally, after all these years, I figured out why you had things easy.... You have always been a far nicer person than I am.. or will ever be. Now get back from that foreign land ASAP. Our signature song has been unsung for a while now.

P.S. - If you ever find this post, I never wrote it. Honest :P

It is perhaps illegal to make someone this happy.. Happiness that borders on insanity! :)

*Sigh*

A picture speaks a thousand words!

Almost Perfect!

I love the space I am in
I love my time right now
I love the way I can chatter away
And sing without a care in the world

My walks make me happy
Playing with my brats does too
There's a spring in my step
I love the lazy, breezy feeling

It's funny how some things matter less
They perhaps don't even qualify
To make me feel like a million bucks
Or just to bring out my smile.

I sense good things coming
I see the sun rising in all its glory
Life's sweet
And in all ways, I feel complete.

To my li'l Piggy

You may never read this or even know that it's written. Ro, I'm thankful that you're a part of my mad world and add tons of value to my life. It's only with a handful of people that I can have crazy conversations and suddenly switch to stuff that really matters (what we would have called "stands" and "courts" :P). Like you said, we may not talk everyday or be in touch but perhaps it is the space we give each other in this friendship that makes us understand each other. People change... circumstances change... we change... but the transition from Dumb Charades playing college girls to individuals who can envision a future was a lot easier because of you. I still can't understand how some people could have given you up. I know I would never. You're my superstar! :)

Like the clouds, the sea, the dry leaf....



....I want to drift away....

Sometimes its hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand
But if you love him you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man
Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

Every item on The List may never be crossed out. There may never be the flowers, walk and song nor the giant wheel and popcorn. Or the silent moments where only the company matters. There might not even be a letter, a peck or an engaging conversation. And the compliments, smart ass comments, dinky smiles and mischief. But quite honestly, I don't care anymore.

Every experience, every bond I forge, all my fears are reaffirmed. Now, it only seems like familiar territory. Almost like I can predict things.

Does it have something to do with me? For Sure!! "Yay" if things happen, "Tsk, Tsk" if they don't and move along. I dunno how many times I've wished that some things had just never happened! Maybe I'm being selfish, but it would have saved ME a lot of trouble and drama. I'm done with pinning my hopes on anything.

After all, a cynic is a passionate person who doesn't want to be disappointed again.

Rambling on........

I miss Teddy!! I miss having a guy friend in the city who'll let me ride his bike and won't judge me all the time!

I can't wait for The Folks to be back and it isn't only about the gifts. I need to talk.

I'm tired of the flab. Why can't it all vanish as fast fast as it appeared?

I want to get to hostel as soon as possible. Prometo and I have a whole city to explore, I've to get bashed up and I want all that music with madness.

Piggy, how long do you think we'll have to wait for things to change? For the world to grow up? I'm glad that at least I have company!

Will I ever learn to keep my mouth zipped? I seem to talk for everyone.

I have to start making those gifts. I've turned into such a lazy bum, I'm getting sick of myself!

I seem to have a bad hair day EVERYDAY! What happened to my happy, hippy hair?

Have my tear glands dried up?

I want to throw the diet to one side and indulge in dark chocolate... and I think I'm going to do so tomorrow. (And this contradicts statement 3.. WHATEVER!!)

Lots of books to read. No buying till these are finished!

I want strawberry body lotion. I want, I want, I want!!

For no fault of mine, no instigation from my side, the past just pops right up! Eh! Most of the times I burst out laughing. Today, I re-realised that I would never do it to anyone else :)

Life goes on.........

The List!

My Funny Valentine - Frank Sinatra
Something - The Beatles (There are just a lot of them so I'll stick to one)
The Way You Look Tonight - Tony Bennett
Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers
Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman - Bryan Adams
Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - Aerosmith
Can't Help Falling in Love With You - Elvis Presley
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
Fields of Gold - Sting
This Never Happened Before - Paul McCartney
Speak Softly Love, Love Story, Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You - Andy Williams
Besame Mucho - Andrea Bocelli
Love Will Keep Us Alive - The Eagles
Yellow - Coldplay
I'd Love You To Want Me - Lobo
Annie's Song - John Denver
Dream A Little Dream Of Me - The Mamas and The Papas
Top Of The World - The Carpenters

And of course

Pretty Woman - Roy Orbison

Till then I shall strum my guitar and sing them for my favourite person - Me!:)

SMS Time

"Ms. Herbasoraus ******* rhymeth!:)
Bhery nice, shweet chikakababs!
Thou art the greatest rhymer,
Since god maketh the pied piper!:P"


Toot Toot!!

Ha! Just when I thought that I will learn the art of masking my feelings, everything goes right out of the window! But you know what? It doesn't matter!! When I speak my heart out, it makes me feel a lot lighter and less complicated. And anyway I've been told that I shouldn't try and talk like someone. It doesn't suit me. I should remain the chatterbox that I am.. and say what I need to say :P

Random!

And I hope it was the last one that rolled down early this morning. Sometimes, it's just not worth it. And big deal if things don't always turn out to be the way you would like them to. There's just so much more to live for!

We are back to being happy people.. a tad inexpressive maybe but happy. Let them all be remembered in the hearts. *Smiles*

M for The Favourite-st

When I was 12 and wanted a pajama party every weekend, She said "Familiarity breeds contempt."
I threw a fit and refused to talk to her for days.

When I refused to eat what she made and craved for junk food, She said "When you move out, this is what you'll miss the most."
I shared my food with Lyks.

When I told her about my object of affection, She said "Don't go overboard."
I smirked and thought to myself, "You obviously haven't felt like this ever."

When my best friend walked out of my life, She said "There are some characteristics every individual inherits from his/her family. It isn't good nor is it bad. Accept it and move on."
I was too teary eyed to pay attention to what she really meant.

When I told her about my first job, She said "I would have been more excited if it was an admission letter to one of your dream schools. I just hope you know what you're doing."
I vowed to never share any of my happy times with her.

***************************************************************************************

My pajama party friends and I are not in touch anymore. We saw the threads loosening in school itself.

The time that I stayed by myself, all that I wanted was a home cooked meal.

The object of affection and I split ways pretty soon and I knew that there were some things I would never ever repeat.

I can barely manage any relationship that exists in my life and it's accepted.

I quit my job to get back to studying... at one of my dream schools... and I have never been this satisfied with life.


It amazes me how She knew everything. Experience perhaps?

But when I was unsure about my future and didn't know which path to take, She said "In a country that wants more engineers and doctors and that's all that surrounds you, find the courage to follow your heart. I will stand by you."
I listened...and I don't regret it one bit!

When I told her about all my goals and dreams, She said nothing and patiently heard heard me out.
I felt like someone finally understood me; that I am capable of achieving a lot.

She is truly the wind beneath my wings.