It's between a few sips of coffee, laughter, sneezes, story telling and darkness that you realise that Mom still gets all that you say and feel and Dad's still such a buddy! And all the emails, gtalk pinging, calls etc. can never fill in for the big brother...

On My Playlist

Obsessed!

I love the way December feels; almost as much as I love November :) While November's the month people get to pamper me, December is my "pamper yourself" time... And for those of you I like, maybe a few surprises are on their way.......

For that heart of gold....

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in
my heart)I am never without it(anywhere
I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)I want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)

- E. E. Cummings

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow....

I wake up to a day of questions. All that I have known to be true, I begin to doubt because the answers I give myself don't fit perfectly. When things don't fall in place, it annoys me. I hate moments when my scales are disturbed and I lose my balance. It has been happening a lot of late. The only things that make sense to me are my folks and a bunch of friends. And music. It's strange that a couple of notes make me breathe again.

I don't want to be the cause of someone else's state of irritation and anger. If I can't make them smile or give them something to laugh about, why be there at all? Maybe I do recognise my lessons when they hit me in the face. It may not be the best practice to follow but I know I will look out for myself. If I don't, no one else will. I know I'm too wise to be fooled again. Like Coach says, some things find a place in the "Indifference folder". There is no reason for my life to be threaded with other elements.

Phew! That feels good!

Unconnected...

Terror attacks turn me numb. Not indifferent, just numb. There are always these stories of people missing death by a whisker.. not boarding a train, changing plans, taking another route instead of the usual..I turn numb to all of it. Death always makes me think of my own life. If I was to die tomorrow or even in the next minute, would I have any regrets? Nope. None whatsoever. I remember having an argument with someone who had an issue with the way I perceived life. He ultimately told me that I live in a beautiful little bubble and don't know what reality is about. The way I look at it is "yeah, there will always be problems, soap operas, drama etc. but if none of it is going to matter 20 years down the line, it's okay to laugh about it." I still live that way. And what always strikes me when I hear of people dying is that irrespective of who we are and what we would like to be, how insignificant we all are in the larger picture! Death is such a fine leveler.

I'm tired of being lazy! Never thought I would say that but it's the truth. I'm tired of giving myself all those excuses for things not going the way I would like them to and it's about time I took charge of my life. Few things on the list are getting myself a job that pays - I hate being financially dependent, fixing my teeth and most importantly, stop abusing my fortune! I want to go back to being a nerd...

This one's for you. It kills me when I make a mess of expressing how I feel. I don't need an ego massage. It's absolutely fine if you don't ever find the words to say all that you would like to. It's not right for me to mix my past and all my cynicism with you. I can't thank you enough for all that you are.. for all that you make me.

My girls.. all my girls... Muah!!