Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where,
And we don't know where.

A line from one of my favourite songs. I love how it hints at sadness, aspiration, friendship, loneliness, joy and philosophy... akin to the year that's been.

And the year that is on its way.

Not as fresh as mint.... or as spirited as this blog was intended to be.


May 2012 be better in some ways.

Some days...

...just go by. The same mundane routine, the same road you walk on, the same pair of jeans... And on such a day when you least expect it, you get smashed by an A-ha moment. Right there... hitting your head, heart and soul. You rise from the dead. And you begin to feel.

This is significant because it makes me feel content. Let go off the bumpy past. Let the future be. Just that one moment was the closest to your idea of perfection. And now you roll in it, look at it from every angle, play with it and then allow it to calm you down. Its beauty lies in its unpredictable nature. And how it makes you believe once again.

Gonna enjoy this for all that it is worth. Every bit of it.... While this plays in the background.

Some days must be lived all over again :)

Hope

I believe that there are good people wherever you go. Good neighbours, good friends and yes, good strangers.

My pooch has been missing for a day now. He's a big, friendly fellow with a heart of gold. While it is upsetting to think of a member of the family out in the world; unprotected, cold and hungry, we're giving him time to return and are combing every area for any kind of a lead.

All through the course we have only met people who have genuinely shown concern. They have helped by letting us stick posters in and around their shops, spreading the word, handing out flyers and sharing the news on the internet. Not once has anyone refused to reach out. The world may work in weird ways but at the end of the day we are all human and some basic instinct makes us look out for each other. And that is what keeps us going...

Come back home, Papa Dog. We're waiting.

Ear Candy

Corn popping in the microwave. Paul Simon's voice. Excited yelps and whines. Pitter-patter of the rain on my roof. Children laughing. Masala sizzling in the kadhai while Ma cooks. Rustling of the wrapping paper as you open a gift. Heart and Soul on the piano. "New Message Received" beep. Clicking cameras. Spinning wheels of my bicycle. Lip smacking. The oven going "bing". Wind chimes in the balcony. Whistling trains. The Brit accent.

I am cut out... To teach. To make my life a journey of learning every minute. To bake a fabulous batch of cookies. To lend a patient ear whenever needed. To take care of my family. To travel by myself and widen my outlook. To meet people, absorb as much as I can and be on my way. To be cold and indifferent when I have to. To be free spirited.

I'm at a crossroad. I'm tipping towards the path that will keep me driven, happy, free of other worthless emotions.

What I have in life I deserve. What I don't have, I don't need.

Piano Man, Chubby: Thanks for hanging around, putting up with the theories, insanity and mood swings. Y'all are like hot chicken soup on a wet, rainy day and like chocolate on any other :)

“That which we manifest is before us.”

Teaching and making a difference to at least one life. Learning to play Stairway to Heaven on the guitar. Living with dogs in a house of my own. Cycling till the airport and back. Painting a pair of shoes. Making a chocolate ganache pie. Spending my birthday by myself this year. Travelling to unexplored parts of the country for some soul searching. Not "settling down" and being okay with it. Serving others. Disappearing without a trace.

“The visible becomes inevitable...”

It takes one little holiday...

... for you to rediscover...

Your rubberband notebook filled with scraps and bits of all your earlier journeys.. and how you savoured each of those times.

Your love for comforting, home cooked non vegetarian food... and how it makes your world go round.

Your space... and how nothing can disturb that sense of peace.

Your eagerness to explore... and how you would lose yourself in the experience again and again.

Your understanding of relationships... and how you will fight to keep some of them alive.

Silence... and how it has an uncanny ability to penetrate.

Solitude... and how it creeps in languidly even when you are surrounded by a pool of people.

Purpose... and how it stares at you all the time even when you try to brush it aside.

The present... and how it is all that you really have.

I
don't
care
about
what
the
rest
of
the
world
thinks,
says,
does,
feels.
For
me
my
time
is
important
and
it
infuriates
me
when
people
play
around
with
it.
I
wouldn't
do
it
to
you
so
I
think
you
can
back
off
too.
And...

Leave
me
be.

Fight.

The inner conflict. The need to show affection. Authority. Shallowness. Badly executed ideas. Craving for junk food. Auto rickshaw drivers. Ghosts from the past.

Of Conversations

My students go for drama class every Monday and Wednesday. The drama teachers are currently working on strengthening their (the kids') lungs. Today there was a flurry of excitement because they all got brightly coloured balloons to blow. Some of them were able to huff and puff and pump a lot of air in while the others tried relentlessly. One little boy after trying for a few minutes was on the brink of tears because his balloon just wouldn't swell up.

Me: Sweetheart, just try a little harder. I'm sure you'll be able to do it.

Little Boy: It's not happening! I'm going to take it home and try.

Me: That's probably a good idea. You must be tired right now.

Little Boy: No, Teacher. I have a vacuum cleaner at home. It will fill the balloon up!

Ah! The joy in working with kids! :)

Kids who greet you with their happy smiles, bright eyes and curious minds. A team which knows how to have fun seriously. A mentor who inspires you to be relentless. Constant learning. Explore, explore, explore.

Nothing's gonna change my world.

You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love.

-Garden State

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'

If my life had a soundtrack, this song would definitely be a part of it!

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd...

It probably is time for closure.

Let Go...

So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

This has been my comfort song for the last two months.

Maybe because I've never looked at breakdown this way.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-W. H. Auden

Cribbity-Crib

My weight is an issue. There. I said it. I hate the rolls of flab, the feeling of disgust that creeps in when I can't find a thing in my cupboard that will fit well and the after effects. I would never want to be skinny (and give up eating altogether? No WAY!) but yes, burning that fat would make me feel lighter... inside and outside. May I be blessed with magical self control. Hfff!

Whatever!

So the feeling lingers... right there...yeah, there. It's sickening. Makes me want to barf. But all that will probably come out is bile... in deep dark green. I don't feel this way or that. Just incredibly unsociable. I walk around like a zombie. The slightest thing irritates me and nope, it isn't the regular physiological occurence. I don't want to be noticed. I don't want to reach out to anybody. I don't want to care about anyone else. Just want to live in my little space where I decide who comes in. I know I'm sweating the small stuff.. the really, really, REALLY small stuff but maybe that is what is generating the toxic content.

Need to take some time off...

I feel like a block of wood

How I wish it was like this...

At least...

:)

Thanks to a very cool person I know, I now own every Simon and Garfunkel song ever recorded.

"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile."

This... stirred something inside...

*snap*

Hunt for life as it flows...

The song in the last scene gets a double thumbs up from me!

Thank you...

...Because you...

...make me laugh and find humour in everything I tell you, totally get music by The Moldy Peaches, call me and play Vincent and Come Away with Me when I least expect it, have a calming effect on the insanity I bring with me, have conversations with me about almost everything under the sun... right from mixing art with education to the importance of natural light and why I should name my guitar "Button", allow me to let off steam every now and then, don't make a big deal when I don't talk to you, give me very thoughtful all-occasions-rolled-in-one gifts, understand that there are very few things that actually count in my world and that is completely okay...

In my "smoked" voice I'd like to say -

The journey from God to Tom has been wonderful.

I like that blog I follow. It brightens up my mood no matter what. It makes me realize that there are things that I take for granted and yet it makes me smile because I know what the writer is talking about. Almost like a whack on the side of the head. A nice kind of a whack. Most importantly, I feel something stir inside for a brief moment everyday and if you were me you would understand why that takes centre stage in my life as of now. I hold onto that moment. I need it for my well being. Today's post talks about "Saying Thanks". Gratitude. The most beautiful thing about being thankful is that everyone is in a win-win situation... and the world just feels that much happier. And for all you cynics and pessimists out there, *tthhbbp*. I teach 4 year olds for a living. The first lesson we learn is to be happy within. It is only then that you can create without.

Starting here, I'm going to spread some cheer, love and thankfulness every single day. The mind is already buzzing with ideas.

Right now, a big shout out to two people who have become an indispensable part of my inner circle. First, my very understanding, smart, fun, mommy-like, unbelievably efficient mentor. You inspire me to reach out for the stars and make sure that I have a fab time while doing so. Thank you for the love, support, patience and pieces of banana pound cake :)

And Ms. DTQ, you're undoubtedly the most "sorted out" 21 year old I know. We both know that this relationship goes beyond the four walls of school. Be it our times at Peco's, our common love for music and art, post beer adventures or just the conversations on life and other things... I am grateful that you landed up one fine August morning.

Even gooey chocolate cake wouldn't make me feel this good inside :)

"Loving someone is the simplest thing you can do. Love is never complicated. If any relationship in your life is twisted and turned with numerous complications, it's probably not worth your time or effort."

Something my dad told me many years ago which stuck like glue. Right now, I seem to fall back upon it very often. I feel the tighter I hold on to some things the more they slip away. Like sand in my fist. Maybe I should just spread my palm and let it all fly away.

Growing apart is a huge part of growing up. And as the years go by I know I want to forge relationships that have depth and aren't based a bunch of good memories. I need my time and space to gain a sense of equilibrium. 5 weeks of zoning out should do me some good.

Glass Half Empty

It seemed that way. All the symptoms were present. I was ready to cut off from the world. I like those little breaks I get. My indifference folder would swell up as I would enter a state of limbo. All things.. good or bad.. neglected. The stage was set. And then, it passed me. Skipped me like I didn't exist and moved on with the wind while I was left far behind. My thoughts have been spiraling ever since.

Pettiness and egos take the front seat while relationships are bumped off. From the eyes of this 24 year old, some slices of the world seem insane and murky. The same old inner conflict rears its ugly head and I'm caught in a moment I can't get out of. Snap, snap, turn caustic, pass snide remarks, stay defensive and cynical and at the end of the day, be contrite about what's happening. Why couldn't that phase just take me along with it? Listlessness is a familiar lane for me and I would've known exactly what to do. My indifference folder did have enough space. Right now, I feel like stooping real low and in a burst of immaturity, giving it all back in full measure...

Whoever this is, whatever has taken over, I don't like it. But I want to live it all and let it die a natural death. And then....


repent in leisure.

If memories could be canned, would they also have expiry dates? If so, I hope they last for centuries.

- Chungking Express

Lazy Confessions

* I am incapable of dealing with: Noise, educated adults who refuse to think, men who talk rubbish and blame it on alcohol, hair in food and lizards.

* I like the one-on-one time that I spend with certain people. It helps me build relationships. I hate it when those people try to mix my worlds.

* I like biking because it's something I can do by myself. I can be away from people and there is nothing like exploring a place on a bicycle.

* I'm in love with Robert Plant's voice and I wish that someday a guy (who spells properly) would sing/dedicate Thank You to me.

* "Letting go" is probably one of the simplest things I can do.

* If you have touched my life in any way, chances are that no matter what you do in the future, I will still remember the good times and smile.

* Summer is far more likable than any other season.

* The sibling and I have extremely different tastes and takes on life but we share one of the healthiest relationships I have ever known. It perhaps is the most special too.

* Thank heavens I have an ear for music. It is one of the few things that will stick with me.

* I'm often described as quirky, crazy, weird and I'm grateful that my parents just let me be.

* Teaching makes me wanna burst with happiness.

* I cannot bear to see paper cut crookedly.

* I'm pretty useless when it comes to small talk. But I can manage to be pleasant.

* I want to live for today, I want to roll in the hay.

Zone out... Space out... Drift away... and return only when the time is right...

The Weekend

A blog that I follow piqued my interest. It was something that I found myself doing on Friday night.

I had the evening to myself after a long time. I knew I had to do something productive. Besides, the choco chips had been lying in the fridge for a while. So I decided to get my hands messy with flour and butter. And it's rather tempting when you have new recipes staring at you... almost asking you "Don't you want to know how I would turn out?"

So there I was... measuring, mixing, smoothing, greasing... and finally the batter was ready. The baking tin went into the oven and my wait began. Every few minutes I would peek into the little window to see the batter bake and rise. It all seemed fine. Finally the timer went off. I pulled the tin out and enjoyed the chocolate-y whiff that filled the room. My wet knife went in and came out as sticky as ever! The darn thing hadn't baked completely! Not one to be disheartened easily (or so I thought), I put it right back in, adjusted the settings and waited again. "Ding" went the timer. This time the top was a deep, dark brown and the sides seemed baked. Hope at last. In went the knife.... and the stickiness persisted. At this point I felt like dumping the stuff in the trash can. The mater intervened and used all her experience to bake my mixture. And we were partly successful. Partly because it was supposed to be a batch of choco chip brownies that I was baking but it turned out to be a gooey, sticky, fudge-y chocolate cake which was much appreciated. A friend described it as heavenly and I accepted the compliment gracefully.

Next on the list is a chocolate ganache pie. Let's see how that comes out :)

It is meaningful because...

...it drives my bad mood away. Huffin' and puffin' up the slope only leads to an exhilarating ride down and nothing, I repeat, NOTHING can beat that feeling. It makes the alcoholic high seem blah and Runner's high takes a backseat. The beauty lies in the fact that you just have to keep going. It may almost kill you, make your legs numb and walk all wobbly but there's an unparalleled sense of achievement when you go that extra kilometer.

It...undoubtedly..is all about the bike!

I don't know if it is just me or there actually is too much love in the air for anyone to handle. Every where I turn, I only see pink hearts and mush. People are getting married, celebrating anniversaries, putting up photographs with their better halves yada yada.... Gets the machinery going in my head.

Single and unavailable. That's how I described myself for the last I-don't-know-how-many years. There was just something so powerful about the phrase. It felt good to just not belong to anyone. Yes, there were periods of drama but my indifference finally won (phew!) and life went on. Till I figured something wasn't okay.

Emotionally Dead. I couldn't get myself to care about another person. That is to say that I would be nice, courteous, helpful but that was it. I didn't treasure any memories or emotions when my day ended. Any signs of a guy acting strange or obsessive would set off the alarms and all I could tell myself is: Put your sneakers on and runnnn!. So much so, I held on firmly to my belief that people are annoying and the lesser I have to do with them, the better it was for me. And with that, I murdered my social life. But now the times they are a-changin'

I'm learning to be more open to new people. No, I'm not a snob. Just that I'm always at one end of the spectrum. I can't ever find a balance but hey, I'm trying! and the truth is..... it feels good. They say that this is the age that women sub-consciously start pairing themselves with men... something like picking the best of the lot. Maybe it's true, I don't know but at least I'm sure that I am finally going with the flow and making a sincere attempt to stop being judgmental. Some things stay... Some I can compromise on...

A song that I heard this evening put me in a really good mood. It's gonna be a fun year. I can feel it in my fingers, toes, bones, in the air

Maybe the "un" bit from my tag is finally falling off :)

On My Playlist

Just a couple of songs that are on repeat mode...

You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling - The Righteous Brothers

It's called the Top Gun effect. Waitaminut. It's the Watching-Top Gun-on-a-fancy-home-theatre-system-effect. Every time I listen to it, I picture Lt. Pete Mitchell and *swoon* Men in Uniform... we'll talk about that later... Back to the song now. It's lovely and makes me want to bring back that lovin' feeling.

Vincent - Don McLean

At any point of time if your life has had a moment where you were completely blown away by Vincent van Gogh's art, you'll delve, swirl, roll in the beauty of this song. I think a post card I received has something to do with my current obsession with Vincent.

Desperado, Ol' 55 - The Eagles

Just so that I can sing along with them when they play live :)

Dhobi Ghat Theme

As I was falling in love with the movie, I realised that the music had a huge part to play in making me feel that way. Subtle, fluid, melancholic and makes you sink into a pool of emotions.

The Pink Panther Theme

Henri Mancini, I bow down to you :)

Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches

A personal favourite. The strumming, lyrics, the picture it paints - All perfect for a bright summer's day... or perhaps just any day.

Adhoore

A song from Break Ke Baad. I like the beat and it's my recent pick-me-up song

And of course:

Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin

An absolute masterpiece. This is how I end my day. Soaking in every word, feeling every note under my skin. My head is humming and it won't go. Thank heavens for that...

Art of Living.

Every picture has a story behind it. This one had the kids in the lead. They continue to be some kind of wonderful :)

2011

Apart from being more social this year, I also promised myself that I would explore different ideas and things. It seems to be working so far.

- Read a book I've been putting off for a while and I was completely bowled over by it.

- Attended a lecture on public spaces and changing notions of spatial equity and it gave me a clearer picture of what I'd like to study in the future

- Watched a couple of good movies

- Trying to execute ideas in school

- Checked out an interesting photography exhibition. Hopefully, I'll do it again tomorrow. Different theme.

- Saw Led Zepplica live in concert. Good stuff.

January's been a good month.

At The Movies

The best kind of story is one that allows you to make your own meaning out of it.

That is exactly what Dhobi Ghat did for me. Nothing seemed tied up and specific. The movie just flowed. Like poetry in motion.

I.. for one.. am waiting for more work by Kiran Rao. And the photography is to die for.

You're a part-time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else
But you...

The Big Party!

Sitting at home with a crate of beer, some of Ma's fabulous food and watching old English movies was how I had envisioned New Year's eve. I still don't get the hype. It's just another year for one to stick to old habits and face the ups and downs of life. Anyway, it all started with the mater announcing that she wanted to see how the Armed Forces welcomed 2011. Soooo... there we were! Fresh, dressed up, smelling heavenly and preparing the feet for a night to remember... and then...

We entered the mela. There were close to 4000 people, the walking ground had been converted into food stalls and the place was brightly lit up. All that was missing was a Ferris wheel and cotton candy. The music and food stuck to the theme of "Awful" and didn't disappoint.

This year I shall stick by my original plan. At least I won't be cranky when the clock strikes 12. And I can sleep on my own bed.

Highlights: Having the Jinxed Club around... May we lose the tag this year... and... ummm... errr.... Yeah, I'm done.

Hello 2011. Hope we make some good memories together.